Love Me When I'm Gone
by KittenCobra
Summary: GaaraXOC. Lemony. Utako Mizuke is a woman on the run who wanders into Suna planning to continue the dangerous patterns of her life. After meeting the Kazekage, Subaku no Gaara, she decides to pursue him as her new target. Will she succeed in seducing him? Will she survive? Complete story listed on the Adult FanFiction website - first 14 chapters listed here.
1. Old Man in Suna

**Disclaimer:**

I do not own Naruto (the manga or anime) or any of the characters included within it. I only own the original characters in this story including the main character Utako Mizuke. I do not make any form of profit off of this story.

**Author's Note:**

This Fan Fiction is an original work of mine which is complete. The full story is over 60 chapters and roughly 150K words. I have posted these chapters to as a preview for those who may be interested in viewing the full story on the Adult- website for FanFiction, which is a .Org site. It can be found under the same title. Please be aware you must be 18 or older to view the full story. These chapters will leave you hanging. The full story is much too lemony to be listed on this site. Enjoy!

**1. The Old Man in Suna**

Suna was in an uproar as I walked into the gates for the first time. There was a sense of excitement in the air that was truly palpable. My mood doesn't fit well here. I sit quietly in the little tea shop across from the Kazekage Tower. My cloak is pulled up close to shelter me from the throngs of excited people, but I feel stifled beneath the sweltering Suna sun. If not for the constant breeze, I would probably collapse from heat stroke.

After a few hours of allowing the conversation in the square to wash over me, I begin to get a sense of what all the chaos is about. Apparently, Sabaku no Garra, the Kazekage of this little village was recently abducted. There had been great fear amongst the villagers that he would not return alive. According to the village folk, he was actually killed and resurrected during his absence, due to a life-long possession being removed from his body. I roll my eyes. This is exactly the kind of story some old fart would come up with to explain away his incompetence and capture. As if the return of some zombie-de-possessed-old-man is something to be screaming in the streets about. They should be hiding their weakness, not flaunting it for the world to see.

_Wow… _I think to myself. _Do I sound bitter or what?_

I feel the old familiar fatigue wash through my body. I have been on the run most of my life, not that I am very old – barely 18 in fact. I look again at the many ecstatic faces; happy that their home is once again safe with Grandpa back behind his desk.

_Home. _

The very word is enough to make tears threaten beneath my eyelids.

I have never had a home; not that I can remember anyway. I did have someone that found me when I was very young. He took me in, doted on me, and raised me. But underneath it all, he was a cruel man, only interested in power. He understood what a freak I was long before I did. He had taken me in to control me, to keep me beneath his watchful eye, and eventually use me to his own purpose. When I discovered the depth and blackness of his plans, I ran in fear of him. I have been running ever since. It's not easy to run and hide as a young woman.

I have learned to use my mind and body to survive on my own. I float from country to country, village to village. I always hope to find a place to finally call home, and always suffer disappointment. My condition is not difficult to hide, but in a moment of weakness, confusion, or pure stupidity – it is entirely too easy to expose. Once I am discovered, I am feared or coveted. Both can be equally dangerous. Then I am on the run once again, looking for a new place to rest.

Despite the heat, I could see myself staying here for a while if permitted. I have not been back in the land of wind for some time now. However, this will require finding myself a new guardian – and soon. I am nearly out of money, and have no real connection to these people of the sand. Every time I stop to rest in a new place, I pick a guardian out for myself. This has become easier to accomplish as I have gained experience… and breasts.

I find a man close to my age, when possible, and court his affections. I usually pick a shinobi. Their talents can be very advantageous when danger is near. I am not looking for love, as only a fool would consider such under this constant threat. I also must be very cautious in my affections. My condition could easily give me away in a more elaborate physical relationship. It is beneficial if the man is wealthy, or has a position of some influence – that is if I don't want to starve to death. I have frequently had to choose an older guardian than I would have otherwise picked because of this key factor. I shudder at the memory of some of the choices I've made along the way. I call them my guardians to somewhat console myself. They are usually the greatest threat of all. I cannot count the number of small scars I have on my body from their attention, or their anger once I am exposed.

I breathe out a big sigh. Starting the process is always the hardest. Gaining momentum. Faking enthusiasm. But after only a few hours here, I have already begun. I wish I had taken better care of my body during this last trip; but I had started out wounded already, and I could not risk slowing my flight. My guardian had discovered my condition, and had beaten me considerably before my escape. I could have destroyed him – left him helpless and alone. But this would only have exposed myself to further scrutiny once he was discovered. Cleaning myself up to court a man's attention is going to take a lot of work now, and money. At least my bruises have mostly faded away.

From my seat in the café, I see a young male shinobi approach the Kazekage Tower. He is in a full-body black training outfit, with cat ears no less! His face is painted. I wonder if this is to instill fear in his opponents, or cover bad acne. He also has something large strapped to his back. He walks right up to the tower, and inside, as if he owns the place.

_How interesting…_ _I wonder what kind of woman would lure cat-boy into her net… A small timid brunette with modest clothing? An angry blond tomboy? A red-head dressed to make a man drool? Hmph._ Probably the latter... That's usually the case anyway.

Well, with at least one target in sight it's time to begin. _Hmmm… I need to find a shop for soaps, clothing and supplies_. I'm not sure how many nights I can afford to sleep in a real bed before my funds are gone. Hopefully enough to rid myself of the dark circles beneath my eyes at least…

I find a shop that looks promising and head toward it. A small boy drops a ball at my feet along the way. I reach down to pick it up and hand it to him, patting him on the head only briefly. He is cute, with shaggy red-blond hair and big brown eyes. As I turn to head into the shop again, I run smack into someone.

"Hey! Watch where you're going!" she shouts.

_Whoa._ A tall and well-built blond with four pig tails sticking out in all directions – and the largest fan I've ever seen – is glaring down at me. She has a local shinobi headband, signifying her status, hanging loosely around her neck.

"I'm so sorry!" I respond, casting my eyes to the ground and pulling my cloak to shield my face. "I meant no harm," I continue sincerely.

She shifts out of her aggressive stance, and a smile crosses her face. "Oh… it's okay. I guess that was probably my fault too. Huh… With all the black you're wearing, I thought you were my brother for half a second. Aren't you hot in that?"

"No. Thank you." I turned to dart around her and into the shop. I am not here to make friends, at least not until I have a plan of action. Who knows who she could be dating, or courting? I use the reflective glass in the back of the shop's entrance to see her confused face staring back after me. She soon turns away and leaves.

I mill around in the shop for a while, looking at the prices of the supplies I will need in the coming days. I am pleased with what I find, but things are slightly more expensive than I would have hoped. I may have to forego the bed earlier than I wish to. For now, I buy only what I need to repair and replenish my skin. My skin and my voice are the two greatest assets I possess. Well almost…

I suddenly realize the excitement in the little shop around me is growing, and also in the street outside. Apparently, the great Kazekage, now returned to his glory, is going to address the people from his tower soon.

_Well… I should probably at least learn what his face looks like. Not that his big beard, cane, robes, and freakishly large hat won't give him away. _

I chuckle, pay for my few items, and make my way back outside toward the tower. I can see him standing on the large balcony – in said robes and hat. There are too many people in the way to see well. I decide to flip myself onto the roof of one of the small shops to get a better view, and pull my cloak around as a shield once again.

To my surprise… _cat-boy_ is standing on the balcony with him; off to one side in the back. He whispers something into the Kazekage's ear, and the old man nods. _Yes! This man is definitely a worthwhile target_. Just then the Kazekage turns his head towards me to survey the crowd, and lifts his hands to them as he begins speaking.

My mouth drops open when I catch sight of him, and I let out an audible gasp. _Good heavens above! That Kage is young!_ _Possibly even younger than me… though not by much._ He also has the most strikingly handsome face I have ever laid eyes on. He has unruly blood red locks peeking out from under his massive hat. His skin appears almost alabaster – a contradiction in the desert to be sure. He has what appears to be a red kanji tattoo above his left eye, but I can't make out what it says from this distance.

_His eyes… _

His eyes hold me captive like those of a great bird of prey. They are a brilliant jade green, inset deeply within dark black rings that hint at some form of insomnia. _Well… I was worried about my eyes, but maybe I shouldn't be…_ They are cold, distant, but oh so sexy! I don't think I've wanted to melt simply from looking at a man's eyes before. The immature thought makes me giggle at myself. Maybe the sun has already started melting my brain.

I don't feel too self-conscious about my reaction, though. The other women in the crowd are obviously having a similar problem. They are cheering, screaming, and in some cases even becoming faint despite his obvious attempt to speak to the crowd. I can't seem to focus on what he is saying. I want to. I may even _need_ to… but the caged bird in my chest is simply driving me to distraction every time I get another glance at his eyes.

_Forget cat-boy! , _I think to myself. _This is a mouth-watering meal-ticket._ I can see myself slipping coyly into his office, running my hands up his chest and kissing him until I'm dizzy from the heat of it.

_Whoa! Whoa… wait a second! Am I crazy?! This guy is WAY too high profile._ _Too public, too many eyes, too many questions. I'd be asking to get hurt at the least… or worse._

But despite my reality check, I find myself dying to know more about him. How did he end up there? Are the stories I've heard all morning true? Did he really die? Was he possessed by a demon at some point? I must find out more about this jade-eyed Garra of the Desert.


	2. Preparation

**Disclaimer:**

I do not own Naruto (the manga or anime) or any of the characters included within it. I only own the original characters in this story including the main character Utako Mizuke. I do not make any form of profit off of this story.

**2. Preparation**

It has been two full weeks since I saw Gaara during my first day here in the village. My remaining bruises have faded away completely. I've managed to find some local plant extracts that have helped restore the shine and youthfulness to my skin, despite the heat and dry air. I have also treated my hair, but only minimally. I simply couldn't afford to buy what I needed to fully design a new persona for this village, so here I will be closer to my natural state than I can remember being for a long time. Who knows how long it will last anyway, now that I've truly lost my mind.

My hair is long and dark brown with tight waves from my head to my low back. My eyes are also brown, but deep with gold flecks and nearly gold rings around my pupils. I have high cheekbones and full lips, but a slender face. My skin is normally rather pale, but has bronzed somewhat since my arrival in Suna. I'm not terribly tall, but my legs take up a considerable portion of that length. They are lean due to the amount of time I spend in constant motion – always on the run. My waist is not rail thin, but trim and I have full breasts and wide hips. I count myself very fortunate to have this many great physical assets to work with.

The cloak proved to be too conspicuous in town, so I am waiting to don it again until the time is right. I have been traveling through the village in plain clothes, to match the villagers around me as closely as possible. My aim has been to blend in and observe – gather as much information as possible on my next target.

Have I mentioned that I've lost my mind? No matter how foolish I know the endeavor to be, I _want_ to win over the Kazekage as my next guardian. Somehow I can't bring myself to pass on the challenge it presents. I admit there is some impish desire to prove my skills, my allure. He wanders around this village seemingly oblivious to the hordes of women that swarm him, practically throwing themselves at his feet. They never touch him, though. They seem to know to keep their distance, and his brother and sister do a good job of frightening off the ones that don't. Turns out, _cat-boy_ is his older brother, and his name is Kankuro. The woman I ran into with the ridiculous fan is his older sister, Temari. They do not seem to have a completely comfortable relationship, but they hold a close guard over him.

I have used my curse extensively over the last two weeks, gathering information. It should at least provide me with some benefit, since it causes so much additional pain most of the time. I am able to sit within the square and simply let the thoughts of the villagers flow around me like a river. I only focus in on their thoughts or conversations when there is mention of Gaara or his siblings. It turns out that the rumors I had been hearing when I first arrived were true, and didn't even compare to the whole truth. Gaara has spent most of his life as a Jinchuriki – a host for one of the tailed beasts, the one-tailed demon Shukaku. In his youth, he was bloodthirsty, and driven half-mad by the demon screaming in his head. He killed many, and some of the villagers still fear that his blood lust could resurface even without the demon.

Most of the villagers, however, currently appear happy under his hand. He rules over the shinobi here, and has managed to earn their respect. He has saved the village from a couple of pretty severe attacks, including the night he was captured. And he even managed to gain enough value in someone's eyes to resurrect him from the dead using their own life source, after Shukaku was extracted from his body by the Akatzuki! The Akatzuki are a bloodthirsty group of criminals, bent on harvesting all nine of the tailed beasts for use in their own plans. I am very familiar with them for many reasons, and have an even deeper respect for Gaara than I would naturally, because he faced them head-on to defend his people.

I stare at myself in the mirror now, willing my stomach to settle down. Today is the day I will approach him. He currently doesn't even know I exist, but today I will taunt him. I will catch his eye, hopefully peak at least some level of human curiosity, and then I will fade away again. I have to leave an element of mystery, or I will lose what attention I gain quickly – I have no doubt of that.

My strategy with Gaara is different than anything I have _ever_ used before – and to be honest it frightens me. There are so many things which could go wrong – not the least of which being that he doesn't actually find me attractive. I have seen many women put themselves forward, usually awkwardly and only from a distance. He doesn't give any of them more than his cool stare. I assume this means that he expects more from a woman than a shy attempt at conversation. The casual heated glances, soft touches in passing, and seductive smiles I would normally use will be useless in this situation. To start, I wouldn't even get close to getting past Temari and Kankuro. Even if I did, he would simply turn away with disinterest in his eyes.

_No. To truly get his attention, I am going to have to demand it, and I am going to have to make him an offer he simply can't refuse. _

If I am careful about this, there is also another advantage to him as a choice of guardian. It is possible that I could convince him to keep our relationship a secret, both for his own benefit and mine. The dark circles around his eyes do indeed signify insomnia. The demon he used to harbor prevented him from sleeping by tormenting his mind and dreams any time he did fall asleep. Now that Shukaku is gone he can sleep; but apparently after spending all his life without it, still falls into his same established patterns. I have watched him for many nights now, sitting out upon the roof of his home, all alone and staring out at the stars for most of each night. I have strayed into his thoughts from time to time while watching him. I have avoided this for the most part, however.

His mind is enveloped, nearly at all times, by a deep sadness and loneliness that is soul crushing. It feels wrong to invade his solitude in this way, so I have tried to keep the wall up between my mind and his own, more than I normally would do with another target. And perhaps this is one of the reasons I have chosen him. On the very first night I saw him up on the roof, he was remembering something from his childhood. I could see him – bright red hair, green eyes, wanting so desperately to be loved. Wanting simply to be touched and accepted by another human being. And as if to prove that I am the real monster – that is what I will use to trap him.

To this day, it is obvious that people do not touch him voluntarily. They do not even try in most cases. Even his siblings give him a careful personal space when traveling with him. He does not welcome touch, but that does not mean he does not _want_ it. I plan to offer him this. Offer myself as a tool, to use to satisfy his private desires and curiosities. This frightens me somewhat. I have never allowed a guardian to become a lover, always escaping it in whatever way I could manage. But somehow… I don't quite believe that anything shy of this will be of interest to him. He is obviously not a child anymore, and he has more than enough women throwing themselves at him. He must not take them up on their offers frequently due to the public environment it is always attempted within.

My stomach begins to quiver again with… fear or anticipation? I'm not sure. I give my outfit one last look. I have a striking bold blue and black sleeveless top. It laces up the sides, and cuts down to a dangerously low neckline. I have on a sinfully short blue skirt, with black shorts beneath that hug the skin. These are finished off with knee-high black boots. A low heel for practicality and movement – which I will definitely need. The outfit is designed to draw the eye; to hug the lush curves of my body and drive most men to distraction. It is nothing like the plain clothes I have been wearing for the past couple of weeks. I cover it all with my long black cloak. This will help me get close enough to hatch my crazy plan.

If this doesn't work, I'll just have to leave Suna and start again.


	3. Weakness

**Disclaimer:**

I do not own Naruto (the manga or anime) or any of the characters included within it. I only own the original characters in this story including the main character Utako Mizuke. I do not make any form of profit off of this story.

3. Weakness

Garra is not in his office today. He is training with Temari and Kankuro out in the courtyard. Apparently his body is still in recovery from his resurrection, and he has been training more than he normally would. Luckily for me, this makes him more accessible.

He stands at the edge of the courtyard farthest from me. His gourd is attached to his back, and his arms are held loosely down at his sides. Kankuro and Temari have been launching attack after attack at him for more than two hours now, but nothing even gets close. At the same time that he lashes out his sand at them with simple twitches of his fingers and wrists, his sand is also defensively blocking him. I know the secret, however. This sand protects him instinctively from danger. Anything intended to harm him has no hope of making it through. I can only pray that my conclusions about other intentions prove true. It looks like they are beginning to wind down for the day, and will soon return to his tower. I take this opportunity to step into the light at the edge of the courtyard.

"Gaara of the Desert?" I ask lowering my voice slightly, but putting enough power into it to be heard clearly by all three of them. I am completely covered by my black cloak, even my face shielded by the strong shadow cast by the sun high overhead.

Kankuro and Temari snap to defensive postures immediately.

"Who the hell are you?!" Kankuro shouts at me. Garra simply looks on with narrowed eyes.

"You seem very confident in that sand of yours," I continue, tilting my face just enough to show a hint at a sly smile from the corner of my mouth. "Are you sure you are truly as protected as you believe?"

"Look lady, back off! You have no business with the Kazekage," Temari adds with anger in her voice.

"I bet I can get to you – past your sand… in under four moves," I dare him.

His expression only barely shifts, but it seems to be with resignation. I can tell he is going to dismiss me. He begins to turn away and raise his hand to signal Temari and Kankuro.

I begin to sing.

I let my voice flutter high along a wordless melody, and as it does the wind around be begins to stir. I know how beautiful my voice is. The wind whips gently, but is obviously following the melody flowing from my lips. Temari begins to look uncomfortable, but Gaara begins to shift his attention back towards me, one hairless eyebrow rising in interest as he turns.

I launch myself at him.

A sudden high note in my melody causes the wind to gust suddenly, knocking Kankuro and Temari back just enough for me to glide through. I launch 5 kunai at his body, and as I expect the sand forms a semi-circular barrier around him blocking them all effectively. He simply stares on without moving, but the smallest hint of aggravation shines in his jade eyes.

The sand lashes out toward me, and I flip myself around it, using the motion to throw off my cloak and reveal myself for the first time. My tiny melody still drips like honey from my lips, as the wind stirs. He is surprised by my change in form, but covers it quickly as I jump high, and come down at him from above with one remaining kunai in my hand headed towards his neck.

The protective sand again blocks the kunai, and my body from reaching him – but I am finally close enough. As I come down, I use the sand circle to vault myself over him, turning my body in the air so that I will come down face to face with him. He expects another blow, and waits for his automatic guard to defend him as I come around.

I drop all hostility from my mind actively, and project my longing and desire out from my mind towards his sand just before I come to land on my feet. His surprise registers on his face for only a fraction of a second, as the sand falls back uselessly and I throw my arms around his neck. My melody cuts off suddenly, as my lips come down hard on his own and I press my body fully into him.

I cannot see Kankuro and Temari now, but I can hear the dumbfounded shock in their minds. _Someone is… kissing Gaara?! _

His entire frame is stiff with shock against me, and he doesn't even seem to know what to do. I take this small opportunity to deliver my message. I kiss his mouth roughly for one final moment, before tracing my lips and tongue quickly up to his right ear.

"There are some things in this life, that even your sand will not protect you from," I whisper so that only he can hear me. "I will come to you again… alone. I wish to make you an offer. Tell no one else, or I will disappear… forever." I nip his earlobe gently with my teeth before pulling back to see shocked green eyes.

I make a quick chirp with my voice, causing the wind to gust briefly. In the same moment I touch all three minds just briefly enough to blind them until I flip out of sight. Gaara can sense my chakra, but I actively prevent him from mentally pinning down my location until he gives up. I now look down on all three of them, hoping to see what he decides.

"Wha… What…What the hell was that?!" Kankuro screams. "We have to guard against lunatic women now? And what the HELL, Gaara!? You just let her reach up and kiss you? Do you know this chick from somewhere?"

"Come back here you little bitch!" Temari shouts, adding her voice to the fray. "Face me like a real woman. You lay a hand on my little brother again, and I'll make you wish you'd never…"

"Enough," Gaara's voice is low and threatening. "No Kankuro, I have never met that woman before. And Tamari, she obviously is not interested in your threats." I hold my breath, hoping he is willing to at least consider waiting for me to show myself again. "It is over. If she simply wanted to teach me a lesson, she has done so. If she wants something more in the future… I'm sure she'll present herself again."

_Message received, _I think happily. _Oh yes, Kazekage, you will definitely be seeing me again. _


	4. The Offer

**Disclaimer:**

I do not own Naruto (the manga or anime) or any of the characters included within it. I only own the original characters in this story including the main character Utako Mizuke. I do not make any form of profit off of this story.

4. The Offer

Gaara stands alone on the roof of his home dressed in his shinobi outfit – a long red jacket, black pants, and gray vest. I enjoy this outfit much more than the Kazekage robes, because it highlights the lean strength in his body. His gourd of sand is on his back. His face is tilted up toward the moon, letting the moonlight wash over his alabaster skin and its blank expression. Without my curse I would believe he is thinking nothing, just experiencing the cold night air of the desert.

I am still careful to not stray into his thoughts. It feels like too much of an unfair advantage on my part to intrude. I want our relationship to form more… naturally, as if that were even possible at this point. I'm not sure why – this hasn't ever bothered me so much before with my other guardians. I'm still not quite sure why he feels so different to me, more important than the others.

I can still feel his mood radiating from him like a beacon, however, even with the wall clearly up between our minds. He is most definitely deep in thought about something. The first two nights after I approached him, the pain radiating from him was so deep and palpable, that it felt as if my heart was being bruised. During the four nights following, he has seemed to shift constantly between curiosity and desire, to pain and anger. Whenever his mood shifts more towards pain, he has a subconscious habit of clutching the front of his shirt above his heart – as if trying to reach the pain inside his chest. Tonight I can feel the desire stronger than ever before, but the anger is beginning to dominate his mood. Each night, his face remains a completely blank mask during this internal battle.

_It has to be tonight – now or never._ I have prepared myself for this, but for the first time in my life I am so afraid I feel almost frozen in place. _What if he rejects me? What if he sees and hears my offer, and turns me down cold? Can I recover from that?... What if he accepts my offer? Will I be able to follow through on my claims? Will he see through my clever acting to the frightened woman beneath? What if I make him angry? He could hurt me. I could probably protect myself sufficiently using my curse, but at what cost? _I shake my head, trying to set in place the confidence I will require to go through with this. _All I can do is take the risk… put my offer out there, and then see how he responds. I suppose the true worst he could do is kill me. From what I hear, I wouldn't suffer long…_

I retreat from my hiding place, and approach him from an alternate vantage point. When I am close enough, I begin to hum softly to myself – the same melody I sung to him in the courtyard. I can feel the wind swirl softly around my ankles, and lift into the air brushing towards him – no harder than a breath. He straightens – every muscle locking and flexing in response to my announcement of my presence. I stop a good distance in front of him, letting my melody come to an end and the breeze die down with it. He slowly turns to face me. His face remains carefully composed, but I can see his eyes tracing my figure.

I managed to trade in all of my clothes for cash with different vendors and individuals in the market place. For tonight, I have purchased another cloak. Instead of the black I used for cover before, I have taken a risk. This one still hides all of my body except for my head and neck. It is bright white silk against the night, with a dark soft fur lining the inside. It is pulled together and securely fastened in the front. I have let my dark brown locks fall free down my shoulders to my low back, creating stark contrast with the pale color of the cloak. I have the faintest amount of color on my eyelids and lips, and I can only hope my efforts have successfully created a soft glow around my entire form. My stomach is quivering, but I tamp down my nerves when I see the faintest hint of heat begin to form in his eyes.

"Gaara," I say as I nod respectively to him. "Do you mind if I use your name when I address you?"

"No." I wait for more explanation, but none follows.

"My name is Utako Mizuki. I thank you for permitting me this meeting with you."

"There are easier ways to make an appointment with a Kazekage." He raises one hairless eyebrow slightly. "I take it this meeting is of a private nature?"

"Yes." I nod, feeling my stomach begin to quiver again. "Have you considered what I said to you in the courtyard?"

He nods, but again does not provide any additional information.

"Your sand allowed me to gain access to your body, because in that moment I truly intended you no harm – only kindness and pleasure. I hope I did not cause any unintended harm through my actions."

He hesitates, but then proceeds in a low grumble, "Your… actions… caused some aggravation amongst my guards. However, you proved a point. It has been several days since that time. I had begun to think you decided not to meet with me again."

"Well, I am here now." I stand up straighter, letting an air of confidence flow into my limbs and my expression. "And I have an offer I wish to make you."

"Very well."

"I have not been within your village long, but I have noted how you interact with your people. You rule them fairly, from what I have only briefly observed, and most of them seem to respect and value you. However… there is a profound distance between yourself and those around you." I take a step closer to him, and he stiffens only slightly. "They flow around you like a great river around a strong stone, but they never touch you. Not even those close to you – your advisors or siblings."

I let a broad and sly smile cross my lips as I continue. "At the same time, I notice you have gathered quite a… following, should we say?... of women who desire your affections. You appear to allow this… yet choose not to take any of them up on their obvious attempts to pair with you, in even the most simple way. Many men… even many Kages in your position would not hesitate to take one or more of these women up on their offers, and take them to their beds. Have I misjudged the situation? Do you have a secret love in your life, or do you exercise this pleasure more than it appears?" I hold my breath awaiting his answer. His continued cool distance increases my nervousness.

His voice is as distant as his expression, "They have no true interest in me. They desire my position, or my power. They are young… perhaps in love with the idea of me." He paused, but I wait for him to continue. He clutches his fist absently in the fabric of his shirt again. "If they truly knew me as I am… understood my thoughts as I once was… they would recoil in disgust or fear of me. They would have no true interest. I do not take them up on their offers of affection, because they are not real."

"That leaves you in a very vulnerable position." His eyes reflect confusion at my claim.

"Explain." His demand is firm and somewhat agitated.

"You are denying yourself affection and pleasure, even when offers for that very thing are piled high upon your head each day. You are a man, not a child. Eventually your resolve will fail you. You will accept one of them, and you will most likely regret that action." I walk gracefully to the edge of the roof and lean my back upon the tall railing at the edge, still facing him. I know the cloak will hug the contours of my body from this angle. "A woman can lie with her body, as easily as she can with her lips. Choosing the wrong woman could prove detrimental to you, even fatal. If a woman is skilled in her advances, and the pleasures she can grant you, but you are inexperienced – it could prove more difficult for you to safely judge her intentions or the sincerity of her gift."

"I do not understand." He crosses his arms in front of his chest, and narrows his eyes at me. "What does this have to do with you? Are you one of these women? What is it that you intend to offer?"

"I offer you experience. I offer you myself – my body to do with as you wish." His eyes narrow further, but they drift down the contours of my body once more. When he brings his eyes back to mine, I continue; staring intently into his own. "My offer has nothing to do with your position as Kazekage. I do not wish to be acknowledged publicly. In fact… I do not wish for anyone else to ever know of our agreement at all. I will only meet with you alone, each night – and only if you wish me to join you. Once I am there… you may do as you wish. You may practice what brings you pleasure."

I pause in an attempt to let my words begin to work. His expression doesn't change, as if it is frozen in place.

"Come now Gaara… how long has it been since you truly kissed a woman with all the desire coursing through you? How long since you've felt her warmth beneath you, or fallen asleep with her soft body cradled against you? How much longer can you keep waiting before your resolve falters again? Do you know intimately which caresses truly bring pleasure and which bring pain? I will answer any questions you have as best, and as honestly, as I can. I will not deny you a pleasure you choose to explore. However, I will call a limit on pain. I will not allow you to beat me, or inflict intentional harm."

Garra turns his face away from me, to stare out again into the starry night. He is silent for a long time. "And how do I know you are not one of these women who wish me harm? Who lie with their body? What do you get out of this arrangement?"

"I unfortunately cannot prove my intentions. I have no village or home of my own. I have no history or contacts for you to check into, although you are welcome to try." I push gently off of the railing and take a few steps closer to him cautiously. "I am a wanderer, running from demons in my past that I do not wish to explain. My relationship with you would grant me shelter from the cold nights alone. You will simply have to decide whether you wish to take the risk on me or not. Whether that which I offer you is common, or rare enough to outweigh the risks. As for what I get out of our arrangement…" I let the heat of my desire shine clearly in my eyes as I rake his body over again. "That is simple. I want pleasure."

He turns to face me again. He has a hint of a smile in the corner of his mouth, and his eyebrow is once again raised high. "Pleasure?"

"Of course," I return his seductive smile. "It is no secret, Gaara, that your form is very pleasing to women. You are lean and strong. You are striking and handsome. Your voice can make a woman breathless. I have wondered many times what your strong hands would feel like running over my body. What your mouth would feel like, moving with my own. I want to experience these things, and this arrangement would grant me that pleasure for as long as you choose to continue it."

The heat in his eyes is intense, and the desire radiating from him is like a strong wave. I can feel my stomach flutter in response. "And how do you suggest I make this choice?" His voice is pure challenge, but I have anticipated what is coming next. "How do I even know if your form pleases me? If your body will provide the pleasure you seem so confident in?"

"You must decide that for yourself." With a flick of my wrist I release the ties on the front of my cloak, allowing it to drop and pool at my feet. Beneath it I wear nothing. The moonlight alone caresses my skin, and my breath catches slightly at the chill which hits it. I make sure to keep my confident expression on my face, but I am truly afraid now. Now he can honestly reject me, simply because he doesn't find my form satisfactory.

He did not expect my response. His arms fall to his sides, and his eyes grow wide with surprise. His expression seems unsure, but slowly the heat returns as he runs his gaze along my body – over and over again. Suddenly, I hear a faint hissing sound and realize the sand is moving slowly towards me. I hold very still, but my pulse quickens. When it reaches me, small fingers of sand begin moving up my legs from my ankles. The smooth sensation, like roughened silk, continues moving up my body caressing each curve. It swells over my hips, across my belly and back, over my chest, and even hesitantly along my cheeks. I cannot hide the faint blush that darkens my cheeks at his intimate attention. Slowly, I feel the sand begin to retreat along the same course as before. I close my eyes and take a steadying breath.

When I open them again, he has his back turned to me and once again appears to be watching the night sky. I wait for an answer, but he does not move – does not speak. Cautiously, I collect the cloak from around my feet, and tie its warmth back securely around me. I am so afraid of his answer that I can feel my hands tremble and try to steady them.

_What should I do if he says no? What should I do if he wants what I offer now? _

I told myself I was prepared for that possibility, but I am suddenly unsure. I have never made myself this vulnerable to anyone before. He sighs deeply, and casts his eyes to the ground, but does not turn to face me. I cannot see the expression he wears. His mood is suddenly hard to interpret without actively pressing harder – caught somewhere between pain, desire, and… confusion perhaps?

"Why do you wish for no one to know of this arrangement?" His voice is suddenly rougher than I remember. I decide to answer him honestly.

"There are people who wish to find me. People who would harm me if they did; who would not hesitate to bring you trouble. I wish for as few people as possible within the walls of this village to even know that I exist." I hesitate, not sure how to put the rest into words correctly. "I also want this agreement to be between you and I only. I do not want to deal with the pressures of what others will think, how their opinions of you could change based upon your decision. I desire you Gaara, and I do not wish to spend my nights here alone. However, I truly do not wish for this to cause you trouble."

He is quiet for a long time before speaking. "I need time to think about what you have offered." My heart begins to sink, but he continues by saying, "I will not tell the others of your visit, or what you offer me. How will I contact you when I have made my decision?"

I pull a small, red-bead bracelet from the pocket within my cloak. I toss it to the ground at his feet.

"When you have decided, simply tie that around your right wrist. I will come to you." With that, I turn away from him and quickly fade into the night.

I can feel him tracking me for some distance before I scatter his thoughts and ability to trace me further. When I return to the room I have rented, I let out all of the air I have been holding in a great rush. My entire body begins to shake from releasing the great strain it has been in. My face feels hot, but my body cold. I begin rubbing my arms to ward off the chill. I had been sure I was ready for this, but now I can see how foolish that was. I am experienced in courting men, winning their affections, and dodging their advances. To say I am an experienced lover is an outright lie. Surely, if he accepts my offer and takes me as a lover, this will be obvious to him soon enough. I will just have to deal with that problem when it arises, and hope the pleasure he finds with me is sufficient to lessen the strength of any anger from him.

I look into the mirror in my room, as I drop my cloak once again. My body is lean but strong. My long legs and waist are slightly unbalanced from my broad shoulders and full breasts. The little scars I have across my body are all well faded, and small enough to overlook in the right light. I can only hope he enjoyed the sight, and is interested enough to truly consider my offer.

I realize that in courting Gaara as my new guardian in this way, I truly have solved very little of my problems. Normally, I would entice my guardian to take me in and provide for my needs in exchange for my company. Some of them found this to be a worthless chore when I would avoid their advances. Some of them spoiled me, in an attempt to soften my careful distance. With Gaara… I haven't even truly given myself this option. I am already out of money, and will have nowhere to stay after tonight. However, Gaara does not appear to truly sleep except for short periods in the early morning. Perhaps, if I can get him to accept my physical presence with him at night, I can achieve some rest in his arms. This thought lifts my spirits. I still have no idea why I am going about this all backwards and upside down, but I do not want to worry about it anymore tonight. For now, I am going to curl up in this bed and sleep non-stop until I have to leave it tomorrow.

Hopefully… Gaara will not take long to decide.


	5. Decision

**Disclaimer:**

I do not own Naruto (the manga or anime) or any of the characters included within it. I only own the original characters in this story including the main character Utako Mizuke. I do not make any form of profit off of this story.

5. Decision

It has been nearly three full days since I made my offer to Gaara, and my hope is beginning to dwindle. I have been sleeping in doorways and under awnings, tucked into the alley ways where I can find any small place to hide myself. I have been attempting to watch him from a safe distance. He has attended to his duties each day in his tower, leaving his home early and returning late. He has followed a similar routine as before, continuing to train with Tamari and Kankuro to regain his strength. He has not put on the bracelet I gave him. Today he is training with Temari and Kankuro in the courtyard again.

"Ugh…" Kankuro mumbles painfully after Gaara's sand has once again thrown him roughly to the ground. One of his puppets has been badly damaged already today. Tamari stands off to the side, trying to regain her breath.

"Again." Gaara demands of Kankuro, clutching lightly at the front of his shirt. He has begun doing that more and more often as each day passes.

"Wait," Kankuro almost begs, his breathing ragged and his hands raised in surrender. "Gaara, I'm… dying here. I think you've almost… got your full… strength back. Cut me some slack!"

"Again!" Gaara shouts at him. He gives no time before launching another attack at Kankuro's head, despite his position on the ground.

Temari steps in and knocks back the attack with her fan, anger burning in her bright eyes. "What the hell!?" she screams at Gaara. "What is your problem? Can't you see we're both exhausted? We're here to help you train, not serve as your personal punching bag! You've been about as kind as a rattle snake for the last few days, and I don't know what's got you all worked up, but I'm sick of it! What is wrong?!"

"Nothing." His voice drips with ice, but he clutches his shirt again and his eyes cast down to the ground.

"Right," she sneers sarcastically at him. "And Kankuro's going to give up wearing make-up."

"Hey… what?" Kankuro objects, but only weakly.

"Look," she tries again, and it is more than obvious she is trying to reign her patience back in. "We can't help you, _big boy_, unless you tell us what's wrong. Just tell us what it is, and we'll sort it out."

"I don't need your help!" Gaara shouts at her, and Temari is visibly startled. "Get out of my sight." With that he turns and walks away from her, returning to his tower. As he leaves the courtyard, he pulls the red-bead bracelet from his pocket, and attaches it to his right wrist.

After the argument I watched play out in the courtyard earlier today, I am even more nervous about approaching him tonight. Whatever decision he has come to, he has not reached it easily. However, I know it would be unwise to delay, or else he might decide I have changed my mind. I haven't. I just hope this is not another mistake, in a long life of mistakes.

The clothes I wear tonight are clean, but all that I now have left. I have on a deep green halter-top, which isn't quite long enough to cover my middle. I have paired it with a short black skirt, which hangs low on my hips and heightens the effect. My feet are clad in small leather sandals. It may not be my sexiest outfit… but it is the most comfortable, and I will have to enjoy wearing it for who knows how long.

I walk casually to his roof, humming softly what I now consider his melody as I approach. He stands facing me, with his bright jade eyes only slightly narrowed. His arms are crossed in front of his chest, which makes him look imposing. The bracelet is still in place on his wrist.

"Have you made your decision then?" I ask cautiously.

"I have considered your offer, and I have conditions of my own." His voice is cool and distant, which jars horribly with his obvious defensive posture.

"Name them then." I decide to relax my own posture, in an attempt to make him more comfortable. I slowly sit down, with my back towards the steeper angle of the tiled roof. I draw my feet up beneath me at a sideways angle, and rest my weight on my right arm. I smile up at him. He follows every movement with his eyes, and carefully composes his features into a blank mask before continuing.

"I believe you have made some assumptions about me which are inaccurate. I am not… comfortable being touched by others. I often do not understand what response is expected of me." His shifts his body weight slightly, giving the only indication of his discomfort. "If I accept your offer… I will control our… interaction. I will tell you what I wish, and you will accept it, or our agreement ends. I should not have to understand your needs or expectations. If anything I do causes you pain, you will tell me and I will attempt to avoid it in the future." I breathe an inward sigh of relief at his last clarification.

"Also," he continues in a detached voice. "I do not want anyone else to know of our agreement either. If I discover that you have passed information about our interactions along to _anyone..." _his voice suddenly drops to a deadly whisper. "I will make you regret the day you ever thought to approach me."

I swallow hard, but work to keep the smile on my face while still keeping my expression open. I nod in agreement. "Anything else?" I ask hesitantly.

"Yes." His distant expression melts away again with the narrowing of his intense green eyes. "You will not take another partner while in my village. I do not need to deal with a jealous lover seeking revenge for some imagined slight. With this offer, you accept my physical pleasure, and no one else's – regardless of how I choose to… interact with you." He pauses for a long moment. "Those are my terms."

I take a good moment to pause before responding. I do not want him to believe that I have not carefully considered his words.

"I believe I understand your terms, and I accept them," I reply confidently, "I will tell no one of our agreement, I will not take on any additional lovers or accept other offers of affection, and I will not deny your requests."

"And you will let me know if I cause you pain?" His voice is almost a whisper, and his eyes are cast out into the night sky. His hand rests over his heart on his shirt front.

"Yes." I answer earnestly. "I swear to never lie or hide that from you."

"Very well."

After several long moments of awkward silence, he comes over and sits down next to me on the roof. He leans back against the tile, resting his weight behind him on his elbows, and he stares out into the night. Unsure of what he wants from me, I decide to mirror him and settle myself in to watch the stars. I am careful not to touch him. I also fight very hard not to invade his thoughts, although my desire to know them is so strong it is almost physically painful. His mood seems to ceaselessly jump between pain, fear, excitement, anxiousness and… happiness? It's such a jumble I eventually shut down my curse completely, afraid of his own discomfort altering my responses to him.

After a few hours I risk a glance in his direction. He is now staring openly at me, but does not shift his gaze when my eyes meet his. He cautiously leans forward, and raises one hand towards my face. I hold very still as his finger brushes my hair back from my face. It continues its journey along my jaw, and I let my eyes drift close. Almost painfully slowly, his fingers trail their way down my throat, leaving a tingling sensation in their wake. They drift down to my collar bone, and then trace their way across to my shoulder before running the full length of my arm, and down to the very tips of my fingers. I realize absently, that I have my lower lip pinched softly between my teeth as I relish even this small touch.

When I open my eyes again, there is a small smirk in the corner of his mouth. "Does that please you?"

I nod my head yes, and feel a slight blush on my own cheeks. _I didn't realize he was going to torture me slowly… _I think to myself, and I can't help the smile that alights on my face.

"Lie back against the tile. You should be more comfortable." His voice is low, and gentle but firm.

My heartbeat kicks into high gear, but I do as he requests, closing my eyes in an attempt to relax. _I can do this. I can do this. _ I chant to myself, willing myself to be brave. I feel his weight settle beside me, but not against me. To my surprise, he simply traces the same pattern as before against my skin; from the side of my face to my fingertips and back. Again and again, his fingers burn pleasure softly into my skin, and I begin to truly relax. I adore this feeling, and I don't want him to stop. I don't know how much time is passing, but I can feel my thoughts becoming more sluggish.

"Mizuki," Garra whispers softly next to my ear.

"Hmmm?" I mumble.

"You will return to me tomorrow night," he says lowly but firmly. "If you are ever unsure, look at my wrist. As long as I am wearing the beads you gave me, I wish to see you."

"Mmm Hmmm," I try to mumble an affirmation, and eventually my consciousness fades to black with his fingers still marching their soft trail of pleasure across my skin.


	6. Longing

**Disclaimer:**

I do not own Naruto (the manga or anime) or any of the characters included within it. I only own the original characters in this story including the main character Utako Mizuke. I do not make any form of profit off of this story.

6. Longing

When I awoke the next morning I was very disoriented at first. _Where am I? What is this? _I can feel a light weight across my skin, and I realize there is a light blanket draped across my body. Gaara must have put it there during the night. There also appears to be a small pillow tucked beneath my head. _How soundly was I asleep? _That is very unusual for me. I am still on the roof, but I am tucked into a corner hidden from view. Gaara is nowhere to be seen. I look at the sun's position in the sky and I'm surprised at how long I must have slept. I hadn't had a good night's sleep since my last night at the inn, and after Gaara's maddening and hypnotic tracings on my skin my body had finally given in.

I sit up and stretch my tired muscles. I have been in nearly constant motion for the last few weeks, never spending too much time in one place and trying to remain unnoticed by the villagers as much as possible. I get up and fold the blanket neatly. I place the pillow atop it. I'm not quite sure what to do with them in the current circumstances, so I decide to just leave them in the corner where I had slept.

My stomach rumbles loudly, and I realize I haven't had anything to eat since yesterday morning – and then it was only some bread stolen from a windowsill. _Oh well… I've gone hungry before_. The thought reminds me that my peculiar choice for a guardian this time around has left me a bit more lacking in basic necessities than normal. I could attempt to get a job… but it would be impossible to remain unnoticed that way, and too potentially easy to be tracked down in the future. I once made the mistake of befriending an elderly couple in one village I stayed in. They cared for me like their own daughter for over 6 months… and then died horribly; tortured by those who wanted information on where to find me. I will not make that mistake again. I always try to ensure that those I rely on, even in part, are at least moderately able to defend themselves. Gaara seems like he would fare better than anyone I've chosen so far. I only hope I can stay with him for a while.

But I do not want to ask for his help, as I normally would. I don't want him to feel like I am only using him for money. The thought nearly makes me laugh out loud. _I AM using him, _I chide myself. With Gaara it feels different though. He seems to have no expectation for anyone to truly accept him, or even desire his presence. I honestly feel both, and would hate for him to believe otherwise simply because I can't afford to feed myself. I drag a weary hand over my face at the ridiculous nature of the life I live… but there's no point in dwelling on it. I scale my way gingerly down from the roof, and head into town to see if I'm lucky enough to run across some unattended morsel.

Several hours later I am once again looking down at the courtyard where Tamari and Kankuro are sparring with Gaara. As I arrive, I sit down to nibble on the small treat I managed to gain. As I had been wandering around the town, I had heard a woman in distress. She had managed to lock herself out of her house, and was standing out on her second story balcony. No one else would have been able to hear her distress, and I worried about her becoming sick from the heat if enough time passed before she was found. I managed to scale my way up to where she was located, and after reassuring her managed to jimmy the lock enough to get in. I then told her she truly should have a security bar to prevent that sort of break in, but in this case she was lucky she didn't have one. She had asked me repeatedly how she could repay me, what my name was, where I was staying.

I just nodded "no" to all of her questions and tried to make my way back outside. After a time my stomach decided to throw another tiny tantrum loud enough for anyone in the house to have heard.

She looked up at me and said, "Oh my… dear… are you homeless? Is that why you won't tell me your name? How long has it been since you've eaten?"

_Great… of all the people in Suna, I have to save a mind-reader. Oh how ironic._ I immediately tried to dart out of my door, but hesitated when she shouted for me to wait. The next thing I knew… she was running to her kitchen and back to me holding an entire sack full of red bean cakes! I was so desperately hungry… I tried to say no, but she would have none of it.

"Nonsense," she said, "You take these with you now and eat your fill. I'm sorry I don't have something more nutritious. You saved me today, and I at least want to repay that favor. Look at me child…" She placed her finger under my chin and forced me to look up into her eyes. "I _know_ what it's like to struggle on your own, to try to make ends meet as a young woman. I don't know how you got into this situation, and I don't really care, but if you'll let me I would like to help you."

I feverishly began shaking my head in denial. No way would I allow this woman to associate herself with me. I could not put her in harm's way like that. She had already been so kind.

"Now wait a moment, and hear me out," she continued. "You don't even have to see me again after today. I simply would like to help provide for you. Each morning after the sun rises, come to my balcony here. You can obviously reach it. I will leave a small meal prepared for you on the table outside. It won't be much, but it should keep you from starving. I don't expect anything from you in return."

I had felt the tears well up in my eyes and threaten to spill over. I cast my eyes to the floor to hide my shame.

"Please," she whispered. "It will bring me comfort to know you are not all alone in this. And… if you are ever injured… if you won't go to the hospital please at least _consider_ coming to me. My husband was a shinobi before he passed, so I've got some experience patching up the rough stuff."

I smiled, and the tears had finally spilled over. I reached out and hugged her. I simply couldn't help it! Then I had simply thanked her and left with my bag of bean cakes. I do not want to be a burden on this kind-hearted woman, but if she is willing to do this for me it is nothing short of a miracle in my current circumstances. Like she said, it will at least keep me from starving.

I begin to nibble on a bean cake again, bringing my thoughts back to the present. I stare down at Gaara and realize he is completely distracted from his sparring match with Temari. She comes around with her fan and _thwack! _– would have hit him squarely in the back of the head if his sand hadn't come to the rescue on its own. He turns and blinks at her blankly, obviously surprised.

She straightens and simply stares at him with a completely bewildered look on her face. "Hey Gaara… hello?... What happened? One minute you're hot on my heels, the next it's hello space cadet! Are you feeling all right?"

He nods to her, absently. I realize a little belatedly that he sensed my chakra when I arrived, and is actively working to pin down my location.

"Yo! What the hell's goin' on guys?" Kankuro shouts to them. "Did someone blow a whistle when I wasn't paying attention?"

"No," Gaara says simply, and I notice that the normal hostile tone isn't in his voice.

"Umm… Gaara bro. You've been acting super weird lately. Is there something Temari and I should know about?"

"Nothing is the matter," Gaara spits back at him, and the icy hostility is back in his voice once again. He turns away from Kankuro and Temari. "Nothing that concerns _you_."

With that he continues back to his tower, once again leaving Temari and Kankuro frustrated and confused in his wake. I feel bad for them. I am apparently causing them all kinds of trouble, and they don't even know I exist. I wish that someday I could apologize, but know that will never happen. Whenever things turn sour between Gaara and I – which they always inevitably have before – I will have to leave, and leave quickly.

"Hey," Kankuro turns to question Temari. "Do you think it could be a woman thing?"

"A woman thing?" Temari asks in a dangerous tone. Her eyebrow is lifted in distain, and I almost giggle at how much she looks like her little brother when she does that.

"You know…" he continues, taking the risk. "Like girl problems. I mean hell… they swarm him almost constantly. It's bound to happen eventually. I'm not sure he'd even know what to do with himself. Or her for that matter…" he wiggles his eyebrows in a perverted manner.

Temari hauls off and slaps him over the back of the head, and Kankuro exclaims his surprise. "You're sick!" she spits at him. "I'm sure if it were something like that he would come talk to us about it… Wouldn't he…?" By the end she sounds unsure.

I instantly feel bad again. _No… he won't talk to them – even if he normally would_. That is an explicit part of our arrangement. I carefully pick myself up from my hiding place and dust off my clothes. Goodness… clothing around here gets dirty so fast. I will have to find a place to wash up before I see Gaara again tonight. No doubt he will question me about my presence today.

As I approach Garra on the rooftop once again, I try to see his right wrist. He has the red-bead bracelet still around it, and this settles my remaining nerves. This is much easier than yesterday. I know he has heard me coming for some time now.

"Hello handsome," I say as I pause behind him. "I'm sorry if I distracted you earlier. I had just meant to check in and see what you were up to. You seem to enjoy sparring with your siblings." I had decided to bring the topic up myself to avoid any potential discomfort between us. I go to sit down on the roof like last night, but he holds his hand out to me instead. I take it and he pulls me forward until he is looking into my eyes. His face is blank and composed as always, but there is a new glint in his eyes.

"I wish to try something." His voice is low and sultry standing here in the moonlight, and I feel a small shudder run up my spine in response. "Are you afraid?"

"No." I try to explain. "Your voice… it's pleasing. Sometimes a woman will shudder because she is afraid. But just as many times… she will shudder in response to something pleasing." I can feel a faint blush on my cheeks.

"How…" he pauses, seemingly uncertain of how to phrase his question. "How would I tell the difference… between fear and pleasure?"

"Ummm…" _These are hard questions…_ "I guess it's about looking at more of her body language. I would look at her eyes. The eyes can tell you all kinds of things about what a person is thinking or feeling, even if they don't say a word." He looks skeptical of my explanation. "For example… I am going to remember something that made me very frightened, and I want you to look at my eyes when I look up."

I brought up one of my darkest memories – the man who raised me, who I had grown fond of and trusted implicitly. He leans over me with a sick expression of joy on his face. I have just seen him kill an entire small village of people, and he looks… happy. _"Isn't it wonderful dear… think how much we will learn from their bodies!" _I have never felt so afraid. I snap my head up to look into Gaara's eyes. He looks surprised and reaches out to touch my face, but hesitates, unsure of himself. I shake my head to clear it.

"Now," I say with only a slight quiver in my voice, "say what you first said to me when I walked up to you."

He looks even more confused, but complies. "I want to try something new…" I let his low sultry voice wash over my senses again. I run a few scenarios through my mind of ways he might want to touch me. I can feel my eyes flutter slightly as my body quivers again. I stare into his eyes, and I know they have heat deep within them.

I can see recognition dawn on his features. "Interesting…" he mumbles, and this time he does touch my face lightly on my cheekbone, just below my eye. He seems to analyze my face, as if memorizing it, for many long moments.

"You said there was something you wish to try?" I ask.

"Yes." He cast his eyes away from me, not wishing his own emotions to be betrayed on his face no doubt. "I have seen it many times, but I can't remember ever… experiencing it. Close your eyes."

I obediently close my eyes and await his move. He has done nothing so far that would even approach hurting or frightening me.

_Wow… I actually trust him… How did that happen?_

I feel his hands hesitantly brush past my waist moving behind me. I expect him to grab my hips and pull me against his body, but am surprised when his arms continue to circle around behind my back. His chin comes down to rest hesitantly on the top of my shoulder, and I can feel his breath lightly brushing against my back. When he stills, I realize he is hugging me. I can't help but pick up on his mood. I have never… ever… felt this sense of… _peace_ roll off of him before.

_Oh my God… _I think with a shock… _This is what he wanted to try? THIS is what he doesn't remember ever experiencing? _

I feel tears begin to tickle in my eyes. I remember the red-headed little boy from his memories – his big bright eyes, and hopeful expression – desiring acceptance and love so badly it was a physical ache for him. My hands lift on their own direction, and my arms encircle him, my hands entwining gently in the unruly red locks on the back of his head. He stiffens in response, but gradually relaxes into my embrace.

"Gaara?" I try to make my voice smooth, instead of rough with emotion. "Has no one ever held you like this before?"

My question is met with silence.

"Not even your mother or father?" I try again.

"My mother died in childbirth. I never knew her. My father is the one who had the demon placed within me. He regretted that decision after a very short time, and spent many years trying to get others to kill me off for him." His voice was so matter-of-fact, it hurt even worse than hearing pain. "Temari and Kankuro grew up with me, and have known me at my worst. They knew me when I killed simply for the pleasure of feeling the blood in my sand. They feared me, and for good reason. I know they have come to… treat me differently now. But sometimes I still see fear in their eyes."

I can't imagine the pain of living your whole life without such a simple embrace, or sign of compassion. I can feel the tears threatening again. _If I can do anything useful in this life Gaara… _I think softly to myself, _I want to show you kindness, tenderness, compassion. I want to give you that which was stolen from you. I hope it makes you a better ruler. _I know I cannot share my thoughts aloud, he would not understand them. This gives me new resolve though, and a new sense of purpose for my normally painful pattern. Perhaps this guardian will be different. Perhaps I can feel like I am giving something of value, instead of only taking what I desperately need. _Gaara needs me…_

"Hey… handsome," I nudge his neck softly with my nose. He stiffens only slightly, and then pulls back to look at my face. "I'd like to show you something – a way we can enjoy this for much longer. Is that okay?"

He nods a confirmation. I take his hand and lead him to lie down against the tile. He follows my gentle physical direction, but keeps his eyes on me trying to determine what I plan to do. I slowly sit down beside him, then lie flat, and then very cautiously curl my body up against his side in an embrace once again. I cradle my head against his shoulder, my left arm draped across his stomach, and my left leg curled over his own. His body remains stiff as a board until I begin to relax my own. Eventually, I can feel him relax completely with his arm wrapped securely behind me.

"Does this please you?" I mirror his question from the night before.

"Yes." His answer is simple, as I've grown to expect. We lie there together, starring out at the night sky, and eventually I feel my eyes drift close again. I could almost swear that just before I drift off to sleep, I feel the warmth of his lips gently brush across my brow.


	7. Mistake

**Disclaimer:**

I do not own Naruto (the manga or anime) or any of the characters included within it. I only own the original characters in this story including the main character Utako Mizuke. I do not make any form of profit off of this story.

7. Mistake

I can feel my skin tingle beneath Gaara's fingertips as he traces his hand along my arm, from my shoulder down to my wrist and back. He caresses my arm almost idly now, staring out at the moonless night above. I lay in his arms, curled up against his side with my head lying lazily on his shoulder; his other arm wrapped behind my back. If one didn't know better, his posture would seem protective. I push the thought aside as quickly as it arises, reminding myself of our simple agreement.

We have lain like this for several nights in a row now, as I enjoy the feeling. If the sensation from my arm wasn't so pleasant, I might be tempted to drift to sleep like this. This is becoming easier for me each time, as I can feel my defenses starting to relax. Each morning, I have ventured to the kind woman's small balcony to retrieve my only meal, thankful for her grace. Each night I arrive at the roof to find him already laid back against the tile in a lazy posture. As I walk up to him, he will glance at me with his carefully guarded stare, then turn back to the sky and simply open his arm for me to take my place.

He turns his face to me. His bright jade eyes almost look curious, but remain overshadowed by their cool distance. He drops his gaze to my mouth for only a fraction of a moment before he speaks.

"I'm going to kiss you," he states as plainly as if he were commenting on the weather.

_Oh God…_ I think to myself. I had expected at least this much the very first night I presented myself to him. I was more prepared then. My heart begins to beat faster, as I wish I had been more careful to keep myself psyched up – ready for whatever desires may come his way. His casual adjustments have caught me off guard. Even now the cool distance in his eyes has me somewhat disbelieving that he truly desires me. I close my eyes and tilt my face up toward him, making it easier for him.

As soon as his lips come down softly on my own, my heart feels as if it is flying straight out of my chest. I try to hold back my response, to allow only his desire and control, but my best intentions go up in smoke. I can feel pleasure pour off of him with an even stronger wave of desire on its heels. My hands fly up to entwine in his blood red locks, pulling him down to me and opening my mouth to grant him better access. I can feel his surprise, but his response is even stronger than my own. He deepens the kiss instinctively – entwining his tongue with mine – and rolls towards me, settling his weight down along my side. His hand becomes firm against my arm now, then my hip, and now is tracing up the planes of my abdomen.

_Oh God it has been so long since I've been kissed like this… _My entire body feels like it is burning at his touch. This passion is so much stronger than any I can remember. I yearn to be pressed to him as close as possible; loving the sensations that he stirs within my belly, and recognizing the familiar ache in my chest. A memory starts to flood into my mind's eye...

**_The last man I had used as my guardian had been passionate like this, but not gentle. He is kissing me roughly, angrily, but I don't understand why. I have tried to please him – tried to avoid causing him anger, but my shyness frustrates him. Is that why he is angry now? _****_He fists his hand in my hair and yanks my head back roughly, glaring hatefully into my eyes. "You think I wouldn't find out, you little bitch?!" He slaps me hard across the face. _**

I am jerked back roughly to the present by Garra pulling back from me suddenly, as if he himself had been slapped. His face is completely open to me in this moment, shock and confusion registering on his normally composed features as he looks into my eyes.

_Oh no! Damnit! _

I had been so distracted by my own response to him that I wasn't holding my guard up against him in my mind. I can tell from his expression that he has just seen my memory as clearly as his own. The cool distance settles onto his face again, but morphs quickly into anger. _Shit! I can't afford a mistake like this! _If he becomes angry he could truly crush me. I know from whispers within the village that he has killed out of anger many times before. I can't let him know what I am. I have never lied to him, but I have hidden the truth about myself. No man has ever accepted this before, not without making me suffer for it. I feel a tear escape the corner of my eye, and turn to run from him. In one foolish moment, all of my effort has come to nothing.

I don't get more than a few steps before I can feel the sand lash out and wrap tightly around my body – ceasing my flight. It is uncomfortable, but not yet painful. I can tell, though, how easily it could be. The sand seems to vibrate softly with his anger.

"What was that?" he demands in a low growl, "What did I see?"

More tears leak from my eyes now. I will not answer him. I will not give this part of myself away. I close my eyes and wait him out. The silence feels deafening.

"I saw…," he hesitates, and as I open my eyes, I can see that the calm exterior is back in place. "When I kissed you… after a time I saw you with another man. He was angry. You were afraid. He… he struck you… Why did I see this? Kankuro has never mentioned sharing memories before."

I can feel my face fall and a quiet sob escapes my throat. _Great… _He has no idea at all what to expect from even the most basic embrace, but he obviously knows enough to know this is not normal. Why in God's name had that terrible memory tried to surface now?! Is it simply because I have stayed away from men too long? Allowed my bitterness to begin settling in more permanently? Regardless, I cannot allow him to think this is a common occurrence, or he may mention it to someone. If he does, I will have to flee this place quickly… again… like so many others before now. It will be easier for them to find me.

I realize in this moment that I could blame it on him. I could say that I don't know why he saw what he saw… that this must be some fault on his part, some symptom left to the previous host of a demon… but I simply can't bring myself to do that to him. I remember his timid approaches from so many nights; his extreme caution. He is always trying to shield his reactions from me, to pretend our embraces are less shocking to him than they truly are. I remember the small boy I saw in his memories, with such wide dark-rimmed eyes; wanting so desperately to be held, to be loved. Deep down, I truly do not want to cause him more unnecessary pain.

I meet his gaze solemnly. "I'm sorry you had to see that. I hadn't meant to let you see."

He glances away from me, unsettled. "Does this embrace always cause this? A sharing of memories?" I can see this makes him nervous. No doubt he has many, many memories he never wishes anyone to see.

"No," I reply. "That is my fault. I… I have led you to believe that I am a normal woman. That the pleasure you share with me will be just like that of any other woman you meet. This is not true, and for that I am truly sorry. I never intended harm… I just thought it would be easier to shield from you. It always has been before…"

This thought distracts me. I never _have_ had this problem before… I have had many relationships with many men. I have always been able to hide my curse from them easily during a moment of passion. Of course, I have never actually been so bold as to welcome one into my bed before. Many had wanted to, and several had tried. I had fended them off for the most part, and fled when necessary. I had started out assuming that Gaara would require extra incentive to take me up on my offer; that he would expect no limits to find real interest, as he is swarmed so continuously by young women in his role as Kazekage. I couldn't have been more wrong…

"Please," I begin to beg, "please do not tell anyone of this. I will not hold you to our agreement. I will leave, and you don't have to see me again if you do not wish to." Truthfully, I will flee from this place anyway, as soon as I can escape his grasp.

"Explain." He narrows his eyes down at me, and draws me so close with his sand, that I am practically nose to nose with him.

"No."

He shakes me roughly with the sand and glares down at me again. "Why was I able to see your memory? Why were you intentionally shielding this from me? That is your claim. Explain!"

_Well… _I think, feeling myself sink down into the familiar depths of despair. _There's no getting out of this now. _"I am… cursed, I suppose you could say. Some would call it a gift, but I would disagree. I am… telepathic. Have you heard of this term before?"

He continues to stare at me through narrowed eyes, a scowl on his beautiful face, and shakes his head in denial.

"In a nutshell, it means I can share thoughts with those around me; usually without their knowledge, and usually not sharing my own. It becomes more challenging when I am physically intimate, but not overly so. I simply have to concentrate more, to keep the wall up between me and my partner. To keep our thoughts and memories separated… shielded."

I am expecting the rage that comes into his face, but not the reasoning. "Is this why you made me this offer?! You seek information from me as the Kazekage?! What have you learned? What have you seen?!"

My protectors are always angry if they learn of my condition. They feel lied to, betrayed; and this is fair. I always hide this. It would be unwise not to. However, I now see the severe misjudgment I have made, and I begin to feel afraid. He thinks I am a spy! He thinks I wanted information from him! Oh God, what have I done? That was never my intention… but there's no way to prove that now.

"No!" I shout, my voice rising in fear. "I swear Gaara! I never wanted information. That has nothing to do with my offer! I told you I only expected pleasure from you, and I meant that. I have been very careful _not_ to stray into your thoughts. Please…"

He shakes me roughly now and the sand has become so much tighter around me that it is becoming painfully hard to breathe. "Oh spare me your lies," he mocks, "I should have realized this from the beginning. No one would willingly get close to me this way… not to the monster of the desert! Who sent you? Who are you working for?"

Tears begin leaking from my eyes again. The crushing pain of the sand is too much. I could hurt him with my mind – I could inflict pain myself – but I don't want to inflict any more. He had been so gentle, so kind. But what do I do?! He will crush me completely soon. My bones feel as if they will explode from the pressure. I cry out in agony. His face is closer to mine than ever as he glares down his hate at me. In desperation, I do something that could prove fatal, but I have to try something before it is too late.

I jerk with all the force I can bring forth, and manage to get my lips against his own. I drop all walls in my mind, allowing him free access to nearly everything at once. This is almost cruel – could prove painfully overwhelming for him, but I don't have time to be gentle. I let all the desire I have felt for him in the past weeks come flooding through me, and I can feel him stiffen beneath my mouth.

**I remember what he looked like sparring in the sunlight with his brother and sister, like a demi-god in motion with bright jade eyes. I remember the heat of his gaze on my body as I presented myself that first night, and the fear I felt of his rejection. **

I begin to feel him relaxing only slightly, but he is returning my kiss now as his desire is beginning to flare back to life again, and he grips the back of my head to hold me in place.

**I remember my surprise at his cautious caresses, and the pleasure they bring me. I remember the glances I have caught of him, when he thought no one looking, and the sadness that tore at my heart from his somber eyes. Now I shift my focus. **

**I remember running… running for my life as one of my would-be-lovers chases me through the woods. I remember again, being struck for my secret after I've been discovered. I remember face, after face, after face to which I have turned for temporary shelter from the cold. I remember when one of them tried to sell me for my curse… when I tore through his mind to free myself. The feeling of being terrified – bound and gagged – naked on the stone floor. I remember his lifeless eyes staring back at me after I rendered his own mind useless to him. **

**I remember training, trying to learn how to mask my abilities as a simple vocal jutsu, as a genjutsu, or anything other than the truth. I remember the children around me whispering, calling me names, calling me Monster. I remember the adults shying away from me, not wanting to touch me – afraid it would reveal their private shames. I go all the way back to my first memory… waking up, standing in the rain – a man in a mask stares down at me. "Where have you come from child? What has happened here?"**

I can feel Garra still kissing me, but more slowly now. I feel both desire and confusion rolling off him in waves. He pulls back and I realize he is panting for air; his expression slightly pained. He also looks completely shocked, his bright jade eyes now are as wide as dinner plates. His sand falls uselessly to the ground around me. He even steps back from me once. Of everything so far this night, I cannot stand that the most. I feel the pain lance through my chest at his retreat. He is recoiling from me as if I'm some sort of desert viper.

_How could I have been so stupid?! How could I have let this happen? Not again! God not so soon! _

I throw the walls back up around my own thoughts, and turn and flee as fast as I can. This time he does not stop me. I realize belatedly that I am now truly sobbing. I stumble as my tears blur my vision. This has all gone so wrong, so quickly. Why did I let myself hope for peace? _So stupid!_ I jumped down from the rooftops and continue running. I run until I can see the early rays of morning sunlight coming over the horizon. I have long since left the gates of Suna. I run until my feet give out from under me. I fall to the ground in a painful heap, my body screaming, and continue to sob until the exhaustion takes me beneath the black.


	8. Found

**Disclaimer:**

I do not own Naruto (the manga or anime) or any of the characters included within it. I only own the original characters in this story including the main character Utako Mizuke. I do not make any form of profit off of this story.

8. Found

My mind begins to lift slowly, as if out from under a heavy fog. _Ahhhh….pain_. Pain is everywhere. My skin feels too tight, and it burns when I try to move. I feel warm everywhere, but it is dark in front of my eyelids. _Where am I?!_ I start to panic, and struggle to open them, to sit up and survey my surroundings.

"Hey there. Whoa… Shh…," a familiar voice calls to me. Small but firm hands press me gently back again, down onto… _Pillows?_ It burns where their hands touch. I feel a wet, cool cloth being applied to my forehead, and it soothes the raging headache I had not yet realized I had. I am thankful they apparently did. _Wait… who are THEY?_ I open my eyes, and find myself staring directly at Temari. She smiles at my dumbstruck expression.

"Where am I?" I am shocked at how raspy my voice sounds, and my lips feel cracked. "How did I get here?"

"My little brother found you out in the desert." She smiles warmly again. "You're lucky. People can die that way." I look down at my skin, and I can see why I feel like I'm burning with every movement. I am mostly naked. My skin is indeed burned badly, but mainly on my back side. I must have fallen face first into the sand. There is also a slight purple bruise marring the majority of my pale skin; a remnant of being crushed by Gaara's sand. I shudder.

"The desert can suck all the moisture from your body in only a few hours," she continues, "but from the looks of you – I'd say you started out dehydrated. You're not from around here are you?"

"No." I begin to look around the small dark room. The shades are pulled closed, to keep out the harsh desert sun. It looks like I am in a bedroom, in a large plush queen-sized bed. I can't remember the last time I've laid against something so soft. "Where am I?"

"Oh forgive me! I can be such an air head," she says with a laugh. "My name is Temari. When I said my little brother found you, it would probably have been wiser to explain that the _Kazekage_, Sabaku no Gaara, found you. He is my little brother. We thought it would be best to bring you here – to our home – and care for you." I can feel a sense of fear in her thoughts, but not read it on her face.

_She is good. _I probe her memories for the answers to questions I don't want to bother asking.

**I see Gaara running up to her, with fear plainly written all over his normally composed face. I am hanging lifelessly in his arms, badly burned and bruised. **

**"Tamari! Help me!" His voice sounds slightly anguished, so out of character. I must have scared him pretty badly. "I found her in the desert. She ran from me hours ago. God… Temari I've hurt her! Please help her. I don't know what to do!" I can feel the icy terror that settled in Temari's stomach as she reached to feel for my pulse and her relief when she found it. **

**"Bring her home," she urged him. "We'll have to look her over there. And then ****_YOU_**** have to explain what the ****_HELL _****is going on!" she screamed at him, her fear for him making her anger worse. **

Her voice brings me out of my survey of her memories. "Would you rather go to a hospital?" I wouldn't have to be able to read minds to know she is afraid that I do. I, however, most certainly do not.

"No. Where is Gaara?" I need to see him, to find out if he is still angry with me. I need to see his face without that terrible look of fear on it – fear because of my own stupidity.

Her face instantly becomes the guarded mask he normally wears. "He is… working." She lies. He is actually downstairs pacing the floor. "Why? Do you wish to see him?"

"Yes, please. I need to speak with him."

"First," she says hesitantly. "Gaara told me your name is Mizuki. Is that correct?"

I nod an affirmation.

"Mizuki…" she hesitates again, and I can see pain in her eyes, but she is looking away – past me instead of at me. "I need to ask you how you got those bruises. Can you tell me what happened?" I look into her memory to find what Gaara told her. I don't want to contradict him, if possible.

**He is sitting in what appears to be a kitchen with his head in his hands. His shoulders are hunched, and his hands are fisted tightly in his hair as if pulling on it. Temari's hands are trembling as she approaches him, but she works to make her voice steady. She had just finished settling me into the bed upstairs. She had removed my clothes to better attend to my burns. She was shocked to find that the bruises spanned the complete surface of my skin from the shoulders down, bruises that would have been formed by being crushed. **

**"Gaara," she spoke hesitantly, not wanting to send him into a rage. "There are bruises all over her body. What happened to her Gaara? I need you to tell me… so that I can care for her properly."**

**His fists tighten in his hair, and his breath catches. When he speaks, his voice is gutturally low and rough as if with extreme emotion. "I hurt her, Temari. I crushed her with my sand." Temari has seen him like this many times before, and her hands begin to shake harder. **

**_He had been doing so well with Shukaku gone… _****she thought to herself. ****_Who is this girl, and what on Earth happened?_**

**"How do you know this girl, Gaara? What happened?" she speaks slowly and calmly, as one would to a large and deadly wounded animal.**

**"I cannot tell you." He pulls at his hair again, hard. "I promised her I wouldn't. I'm… I'm so sorry Temari. I didn't mean to hurt her. She told me something… difficult. I was shocked and angry. I thought she meant to harm me, to use me to harm the people of the village. But I was so wrong… she's just a frightened girl, and I nearly killed her for her mistake. Oh God… if she dies, I'll never forgive myself. There's so much blood on my hands…" He pulls vainly at his hair again, but one hand descends to grip equally hard at the material on the front of his shirt. **

_Great… _I think, pulling myself back to the present. _Well… I'm not going to give them more ammunition against him. Not after this mess._

"Oh these…" I look down to the bruises on my skin again. "I'm such a klutz. I felt so dizzy wandering around… it must have been that… what did you call it? Dehydration. Yes, that. I kept stumbling into things, and falling down and hurting myself. I'm pretty sure I even fell down some stairs too. Eventually I must have wandered out into the desert itself. I was just so disoriented. Like you said… I'm very lucky your brother found me." I know my voice is sickly sweet with feigned innocence. I look her pointedly in the eyes now. "I would like to see him if you don't mind. Could you send word? I would like to thank him for finding me and bringing me back here." At least the last part wasn't an outright lie.

She is staring at me through narrowed eyes. She knows I am lying, and I know that she knows. We are at a stand-off. "You can tell me the truth you know. If you do, I won't repeat anything you say outside of this room. I swear it." Her eyes look hopeful. I hate to dash that hope, but I must. I need to protect him from this.

"Oh, don't worry," I say to her, patting her arm gently like I would a child. "I'm not worried if you tell people about what happened. It's really my own fault anyway." I am surprised to realize I found a way to answer her by being completely truthful. "Now, I apologize for being so insistent, but would you please send for Gaara? I know it may take him some time to get away from his responsibilities, being the Kazekage and all." I give her my most dazzling smile. At least my face doesn't hurt…

"Very well." She shoves off the bed with a huff, but then spins back to me and points an aggravated finger in my face. "But if you think you're going to just walk out of here after you see him, you've got another thing coming! You're in no shape to go anywhere. Not until your burns and bruises heal, and you've got some real nutrition in your stomach. We wouldn't want you to wind up _dehydrated_ again after all. You'll be seeing a lot of me in the coming days." She chuckles darkly as she walks out the door, closing it tightly behind her.

_Great…_ I flop back down against my mass of pillows, wincing because I've forgotten my burns. _What the hell have I gotten myself into now? This is the worst possible thing that could have happened! Dying would have been better! At least then, no one else would be in danger. _I suddenly thought of the woman who had been providing me my small meals. _Will she worry that I have stopped coming? _The guilt claws at my heart.

I can feel Temari reaching the downstairs living room now. I follow her using her mind. I may as well use my curse freely now, since I can't seem to keep it hidden worth a damn.

**Kankuro is sitting on the couch in the living area, looking nearly beside himself with panic. He keeps glancing from Gaara to the upstairs and back, over and over again. He meets Temari's eyes, as soon as she is in full view, questioning her silently. He then makes a pointed gesture with his eyes towards where Gaara is pacing. If he keeps doing that much longer, he's going to wear a hole straight through the floor. **

** Temari, feeling exasperated, raises her hands in the air and thinks, ****_How the hell should I know?_**

**Suddenly, Gaara realizes she has returned from my room. "How is she?" he demands, then backs down slightly. "Has she woken up yet? It's been nearly two days. Is she… in pain?" He drops his gaze to the floor, and squeezes his eyes tightly shut. **

TWO DAYS! I've been out for two days?! No wonder they're all in a panic.

**"She is awake," Temari begins taking a deep sigh. "She explained to me what ****_happened." _****She emphasizes my lie with air quotes. "She was so ****_dehydrated, _****that she ****_must_**** have stumbled around endlessly bumping into things, apparently even falling down some stairs, before stumbling blindly out into the desert to bake to death." She gave Gaara a pointed angry look. He is starting back at her impassively now, while Kankuro's mouth is hanging open in shock. "That's her story… and she's apparently sticking to it. Oh… and she's asking for you. I told her you were at work, so you should take your time getting here."**

**"She's lying for him?!" Kankuro blurts out. "How do you know this girl?... Wait…" A look of recognition begins to dawn on his face.**

OH NO! _Oh come on! Of all people… Kankuro's going to ferret me out?! This is so embarrassing…_

**"She's the one who attacked us in the courtyard!" he shouts while rising to his feet. "The one who KISSED you! I knew I'd seen her face before, I just didn't recognize it because she was so beautiful before… not all shriveled up and dried out." He shuddered, and I feel both Temari and myself getting angry at him. "You're DATING the LUNATIC?!"**

**"She's not a lunatic," Gaara says in a flat and deadly tone, "and I said no such thing about our relationship."**

**"No wait…" Temari feels emboldened by this revelation. "He's right isn't he? This woman is why you've been acting so strange. She's the reason you've been acting like a cat with its tail caught in a mouse trap… You've been antsy since that day! How could you do something like this and not tell us!?" She is working herself into a true rage. In her mind she is racing through memories of danger.********Memories of Gaara out of control, memories of the people lashing out at the family because of his actions. **

**"It does not concern either of you!" Gaara shouts, and his own anger is rising, the sand around him beginning to swirl and tremble beneath his anger. **

_Oh no… I have to stop them before someone gets hurt. This is all my fault_.

I begin to pull myself painfully out of the bed. How they think I cannot hear them _without_ eavesdropping is beyond me. I slip on the fluffy robe thrown carelessly in the corner as carefully as I can over my burned skin, and begin to painfully make my way down the stairs. Just then, Kankuro decides to make everything infinitely worse. I can hear them now, without having to read anyone's mind.

"Oh come on, Temari," Kankuro chides her sarcastically. "You think he's going to see a woman that beautiful throw herself on him, and not take her up on the offer? It's about time he got some tail. He is a man after all, not a puppet."

"Why you…" Temari starts, but Kankuro has drawn Gaara's anger now without realizing his mistake.

"YOU," Gaara screams at him, "should learn to hold your tongue! I will not allow you to disrespect her that way!" Just as I'm rounding the corner at the bottom of the stairs, I see Gaara launch his sand at Kankuro's surprised face.

"ENOUGH!" I scream at all three of them.

Everyone in the room freezes, and they slowly turn to look at me in dread. They know I have heard… if not all… at least the end of their conversation plainly. Looking into Gaara's bright jade eyes, I know he suspects the _real _truth… I don't even have to be in the same room to have heard everything.

"Now…" I start a little breathless, "since we're all here… why don't we sit down and all have a conversation like civilized people."

I wince as I try to move forward to the nearby easy chair. Gaara begins to move his sand to assist me, and I can't help but flinch away from it, remembering the pain. His eyes look pained for the briefest moment, and he instead pulls the sand back and rushes over to my side. He picks me up cautiously in his arms, and I bite back a cry of pain. He sets me down tenderly in the chair, and even I am surprised to feel his lips brush against my forehead.

_Well… there goes claiming a platonic relationship… _I think sarcastically.

"I'm so sorry," he whispers in my ear before pulling away. He gingerly walks around to sit at the other end of the living room from me. His blank mask is once again in its proper place on his face.

Both Temari and Kankuro have their mouths hanging wide open again in shock. I know without scanning them that they have _never_ seen Gaara touch someone so casually, or so tenderly before. They both turn, and say at the same time, "WHO ARE YOU?!"


	9. Confession

**Disclaimer:**

I do not own Naruto (the manga or anime) or any of the characters included within it. I only own the original characters in this story including the main character Utako Mizuke. I do not make any form of profit off of this story.

9. Confession

I look at Gaara's impassive expression across from me. The four of us are now sitting in armchairs, each on one side of the square room. There seems to be an air of an invisible conference table between us. I speak into his thoughts.

_"What do you want me to tell them?" _I ask, and I can feel his surprise, but it does not register on his face. He remembers for a brief moment hearing Shukaku speak to him in his mind. This sensation which is so foreign to most people, is oddly familiar for him. _"I don't think they will believe we have no relationship at this point. They have already seen too much. You act too differently towards me."_

He thinks seriously about my question for several moments. I can see the answer he wants to give to their question of who I am. It's not entirely the truth, not entirely a lie, but much more simple than our complicated agreement. I nod softly, granting him permission.

"She is my lover." His statement is matter-of-fact; no shame, and no denial.

Kankuro and Temari both stiffen at his declaration. Kankuro expected this answer, yet his reaction is tinged with… disappointment? Temari did not – and hers is colored darkly with fear. She turns to me with wide eyes, taking in the bruises on my body once again.

_Oh no..._ her thoughts whisper, _What has he done to her? He doesn't understand pleasure and pain…_ the fear in her mind is growing and accompanied by heartache. I don't like the dark path her thoughts are turning towards, so I decide to interrupt them.

"Yes," I confirm his statement and smile to reassure her. "Gaara has been very kind to me. He has sheltered me from the cold for many nights now. I truly appreciate his… tenderness towards me."

Kankuro snorts in mock disgust at his brother. "Yeah… I imagine it must be _really_ difficult for him. Poor Gara." Gaara glares back at Kankuro in response. Temari takes a deep breath, and tries to organize her thoughts.

"How long has this been going on?" she asks.

I look to Gaara again. I want him to be in control of our responses. It will make him more comfortable, and I do not want to provoke his anger again.

"Not long," he replies in monotone. "She came to me after our confrontation in the courtyard. She expressed her interest in me, and I accepted her as my lover. We spend our nights together, nothing more."

"Sounds simple enough," Kankuro mutters. I am surprised to find his thoughts are jealous. He has thought of me often since I kissed Gaara in the courtyard that afternoon. I remember considering him as my first target for a guardian, and feel slightly guilty.

Temari's thoughts are still reeling from the implications of this. _Gaara… a lover?_ She knows his discomfort with physical contact. She has never seen him touch anyone willingly much less the intimate caresses required from a sexual relationship. She considers the love in her own life; a young shinobi from the leaf village named Shikamaru. I am surprised to see that she has kept this love a secret from everyone – even her brother's. She tries to imagine Gaara touching me the way Shikamaru touches her, and she can't make the pieces fit. She knows him well. She looks down at my bruises once again.

"But," she begins, unsure of herself, "I don't understand… What happened then?" Suddenly she is terribly angry – with me. "And don't think you can sit there and lie your ass off again! I am not stupid, and Gaara has already told us he hurt you. You crushed her with your sand! Why? And why would you hide this from us if it's _no big deal?!_"

"What I told you, is what I would have told anyone from this village, and was meant to protect Gaara." I clarify. She looks back to me confused. "This is all my fault. I asked Gaara not to speak of our relationship with anyone. He agreed. I have… demons from my past which chase me nearly constantly. I did not want them causing him unnecessary trouble, and I did not want word of my presence to spread. It would make me easier to find, and harder for me to escape when the time comes… Obviously, things have not gone exactly has I had hoped. I would appreciate your secrecy as well, but I realize I cannot demand it."

"But… Gaara," Temari turns to him again. "Why did you hurt her?"

"That is also my fault," I draw her attention back to me again. Gaara's painful thoughts contradict my statement, but he remains silent.

_"You don't have to tell them," _he whispers in his mind to me. His face is carefully composed, but his mind is racing. I feel dread settle into the pit of my stomach as he begins to analyze the memories I assaulted him with. He is beginning to suspect things I have not told him.

"I have a… curse in my blood – a very rare kekkei genkai. I meant to hide it from him, but was… distracted," I blush furiously. "He discovered it, but believed me to be hiding it from him for terrible reasons. He was right to be angry." Temari and Kankuro both stare at me expectantly.

"I am a telepath," I say, sighing deeply.

"HOLY SHIT!" Kankuro yells, and stumbles back out of his chair. Temari looks confused, like Gaara had. "Do you know what that means?! She can read our minds!"

Now both Temari and Kankuro reflect fear from their faces, and I can feel tears building up in my eyes. _I will not cry!_

"Yes, Kankuro, I can." I sniff, and tilt my head back to allow the tears to drain down my ducts without spilling. "And _that_ is exactly why I don't tell people."

"It's also why you run; why they hunt you." Gaara's voice cuts in low and deadly. His expression is, for once, unguarded. His wide eyes indicate that he has finally put the pieces together. His eyes narrow into a glare as he continues. "That night… I saw her memories. I thought her to be a spy; to be using me as Kage to get information and hurt the people of Suna. I was going to crush her, to kill her. To save herself…" he clutched his hands in fists in his hair again as if in pain, "she forced images, memories, into my mind – begging me to stop. It was too much… too fast. I've been trying to piece it together for the last two days, but it's like… having a cart full of old photographs. There's no rhyme or reason to them."

**I see his memory of that night, when I ran from him on the roof. I had misinterpreted his release of me as repulsion, and run without looking back. He wanted to reach for me, to ask me what he had seen; but his vision started blurring, while the pain in his head became unbearable. He gripped his hands in his hair against the pain, and felt warmth running down his face. Then his vision went completely.**

**He woke up on the roof; the images, the memories, blipping in and out of his mind's eye constantly. He felt nauseous, and his head still ached terribly. As he pushed himself up off the hot tile, he realized the sun has already risen in the sky. He was shocked when he looked down on the roof to see blood beneath him. **

**_My blood?! _****He touched his face to find it dried thickly there, and remembered the sensation of warmth before. ****_Did she cause me to bleed like this? The sand would have protected me from the fall…_**

_Ahhhh… _I realize after seeing this. _That's why I was out in the sun so long. That's why it took him so long to find me. _Somehow, this realization is comforting; but I feel bad for hurting him in such a way. I am truly lucky. I could have killed him in my desperation.

When he glances back up at me, I am surprised to see compassion in his eyes, instead of anger. "There was _SO Much Pain," _he whispers, and I feel the tears begin again, too fast for me to drain them. "How long have you been running? How long have you been alone in this?"

_No. I can't do this. I can't let them any closer. _Temari and Kankuro are beginning to settle back in their chairs. I start shaking my head furiously, desperately.

"It doesn't matter." My voice cracks under the strain. "Now that you all know I must leave, and quickly. I've put you in enough danger simply by being here." I bolt out of my chair and head for the door, my skin and muscles and bones screaming in agony.

Gaara's sand slams into the door, creating a wall and effectively sealing me inside. I try a window, then another, but he hems me in at every turn. I turn around and scream at him in outrage. "Let me out! You have no right to keep me prisoner here!"

"You are my lover!" he declares with an angry possessiveness in his voice, and although I know this is untrue – I realize that he sees me this way anyway. "My _only_ lover and I have a right to protect you from them… to watch over you. This is why you chose me, is it not? There are so many men in your memories – you call them _guardians_. You chose them for their strength and skill, or power. These gave them the ability to protect you. Is this not true?"

"No!" I scream at him, getting desperate now. "I chose them for their ability to protect _themselves!_ To get to safety when I am finally captured or killed. _THAT_ is why I chose you! You are a Kage, and a very powerful shinobi. They will not risk a war with you unless they have to. It was safer for your people. I do not have to fear they will be harmed simply by my presence here!" My pain is getting high enough now that I am starting to see spots in my vision, but I cannot relax my guard.

Gaara's siblings are again standing now, in a defensive posture, between the two of us on opposite sides of the room.

"You think I would just stand by and watch them hurt you?" Gaara leans forward clutching his hair again. "You think I would let them TAKE YOU FROM ME?!"

_Oh no…_ The darkness is getting thicker. My body is starting to go numb, replacing the pain. I focus all my energy on standing and facing him.

"Gaara stop!" Temari shouts. "Look at her! She is barely standing. She has not healed enough yet."

I want to argue with her, but I cannot seem to find my tongue.

"Kankuro, catch her!" she shouts again. I feel the wind brush by my face, and suddenly my world once again goes black.


	10. Nightmare

**Disclaimer:**

I do not own Naruto (the manga or anime) or any of the characters included within it. I only own the original characters in this story including the main character Utako Mizuke. I do not make any form of profit off of this story.

10. Nightmare

**DARKNESS… The world is nothing but darkness. My head hurts as if I've been bashing it against the stone floor. My body hurts also; pain and fire everywhere. My skin feels damp and sticky, and my wrists are bound. **

**_Bound? Where am I?_**** I struggle to orient myself, but I'm lying on the stone floor. My wrists are tied, and there is a gag in my mouth. I whimper… trying to remember… anything. A door creaks open. Light floods from the doorway and blinds my eyes. Haruko stands there, his handsome face staring at me. I remember now and I begin to panic. **

**_He is going to sell me! Sell me for my curse! I trusted him! I thought he was going to help me! No! _****I begin tearing at the bonds on my arms, but it's no use. **

**My arms grow smaller, weaker – my body younger. My hands are no longer tied behind me, but out to the sides. My feet are too. I am strapped to a table as a young man with blood red locks stares down at me with dead brown eyes. I scream.**

**"Orochimaru-sensei!" I struggle wildly, desperate to get away from him. "Orochimaru! Help me! Please!" I call desperately for my first guardian, the man who has raised me for so long. ****_Where is he? Why has he left me here?_**

**"Why hello there, little one." The man with the red hair chuckles darkly. "Calling out for your sensei are you? Don't be foolish child. Who do you think brought you to me?"**

**_No… No it can't be. Orochimaru saved me… he protects me. You Lie!_**** I send pain shooting into the depths of his mind, but I am too slow. He flinches, and then slaps me hard across the face. I see stars, and then I begin to cry. I am so afraid. Afraid of this man. Afraid of the dark.**

**"Hmmmmm…" The man with red hair is close to me now. Is leaned down close to my neck, taking some kind of measurements. I can feel his hands slide along my skin, and I can see in his mind that he's deciding how best to turn me into a puppet! I feel bile rising in my throat. I am going to be sick.**

**"Sasori." I hear the sweet but angry voice of my sensei cut through my terror. "What are you doing?"**

**_Save me! Orochimaru-sensei, please help me! This man… he is going to hurt me! _****I call to him desperately in my mind again. **

**"Why… I was just inspecting this little desert flower you've brought to me Orochimaru," the man named Sasori replies. "She is beautiful – despite her youth. When her beauty and talent reaches its peak, you should return her to me. I could save her from decay… she would make a breath-taking puppet… don't you think?"**

**_He is crazy! He is completely mad! Sensei!_**

**"I will do no such thing." Orochimaru states in a sickly sweet voice. "Her single most important feature is her ability to grow. Why would I halt such a gift?" He clicks his tongue, as if in disapproval. "I think you just want her for yourself, to hang on your wall. Her gifts would be of no use to anyone then. You cannot preserve them the way you've done with the Kazekage."**

**"Yet… you just want to block them anyway," Sasori replies coldly.**

**"Now, my dear sweet child," Orochimaru croons beside my ear. "I need you to hold very still for our friend Sasori here to do his work."**

**"I don't want to be a puppet!" I scream with tears pouring down my face.**

**"Nonsense, dear one," he attempts again to soothe me. "I've already explained to him that he cannot turn you into a nasty old puppet. No dear one… he is going to help us."**

**"Help us?" I ask hesitantly, responding at last to his voice.**

**"Of course, sweet flower. You wouldn't want to hurt anyone again would you? You wouldn't want to hurt your dear sensei?" I shake my head no. I remember… the field of blood… the dead faces… the smell of decay – the day he found me.**

**"Do you trust me, dear one?" Orochimaru asks in his most soothing tone.**

**"Yes, sensei. I am sorry," I sniff. "I am just so afraid."**

**"There, there my sweet." He kisses my forehead gently with his cold, wet lips. "Now… when Sasori does this work for us… it may be painful. I need you to try very hard for your sensei to be very still. I will not be able to help you in this. Do you understand?"**

**I nod my head yes, close my eyes, and try to brace myself as best as I can against the cold table. I feel Sasori's hands on my face.**

**"Now, little flower," he chuckles darkly. "Let's see what we can do with you."**

**_PAIN! Pain is everywhere! _****I begin screaming and thrashing about on the table, and Sasori's hands grip my head tighter. My mind is… burning… closing… constricting. My screams get louder and louder in the dark. I couldn't hold still if I tried. ****_I AM trying. It burns!_**

**In the corner of my eye, I see Orochimaru. He is smiling – his eyes wide with excitement. Kimimaro stands beside him, with his small dead-eyed face staring back blankly at me. He has put bones in his ears to block out the noise I am making. **

**_Help me please! _****I try calling to him, but it's no use. He won't defy Orochimaru for anything – will not save me. ****_I am burning! My mind is on fire!_**** I begin tearing at my bonds again, screaming and screaming. **

**Suddenly, the dark room seems to brighten slightly… I hear a muffled sound, like a voice calling to me, but I cannot get FREE!**

"…uki…Mizuki!" the voice is getting stronger, clearer, but I cannot stop sobbing and screaming.

"Mizuki, WAKE UP!"

I open my eyes and see a face with blood red hair leaning over me. I scream and begin thrashing again. My wrists are still bound. I cannot get free!

"Please," I beg, my voice choked with sobs. "Please let me go! Please!"

I suddenly feel hands at my wrists, working from both sides at the soft straps around them. As soon as I am free, I kick off with my feet, scrambling backwards and hunching in on myself. My back is against the wall. Three figures stand in front of me, blurred by my tears. One of them has Sasori's hair. I want to scream again, but blink instead to clear my vision.

Temari, Kankuro, and Gaara – I now realize – are all standing at the foot of my bed. They are in various states of undress; perhaps what they sleep in?

_Oh no. Oh God, oh no! _They are all drenched in sweat and shaking badly. Temari has tears flowing freely down her face. Kankuro looks as if he is going to be sick, all over the floor at his feet. Gaara's eyes are wide, and I have never seen such a look of pain and fear on his features. His thoughts are desperate, frightened. He wants to comfort me, but he has no idea how. He understands pleasure… but comfort?

_Are they the same? _He wonders. _Is that wrong?_

I look down at my sweat-soaked, trembling body. I am wearing only a black strip of cloth tied across my breasts, and a pair of very small black shorts – both which fit within the small areas where I am not burned. I am covered in blood! Some is dried, and some is fresh. The bed is completely splotched with white and red.

"We are so sorry," Temari chokes back on a sob. "You were scratching your burns in your sleep. We couldn't get you to stop, you were too far asleep. I'm so sorry…" she squeezes her eyes tightly shut as more tears fall from her face.

Like a giant gear clicking into place, it suddenly all makes sense. We were in the living room. We were fighting. I blacked out from pain. They brought me to bed, to let me heal, but in my sleep I must have been clawing at my burns. The sores were leaving me covered in all this blood.

I look to the sides of the bed, and see the soft velvet straps they used to tie my hands. They were trying to protect me, not restrain me. My mind, in an attempt to explain all these sensations… started pulling my memories to the surface. This one I had forgotten completely. Until now, I would have sworn I'd never seen Sasori the S-ranked criminal before in my life! But that was too real to be imagination…

"No." I try to state calmly through my hoarse voice, now broken from screaming. "I believe I am the one who should apologize." I can tell by looking into their horror-struck eyes, they saw everything. In my weakened state, my mind was not shielded. Sadly, this has happened to me before.

"I'm sorry," I choke out, "that you had to… experience that."

Gaara apparently cannot stand it anymore. In a flash, he drops down onto my bed, snatches me up, and wraps his arms tightly around me. It hurts my skin, but I don't care. He instinctively begins rocking me, cradled against him, and begins tracing his finger from my shoulder to my hand on the unburned side of my arm. He is trying to comfort me – the only way he knows how. I smile into his neck, and begin to sob softly again, clinging to him.

Temari – also desperate to comfort me – begins stroking my hair, and running her fingers through it. She is hushing me, and mumbling words of comfort to me that I cannot hear over my own sobs. Kankuro simply stands in front of the door with hollow eyes. He is the first to leave, and seek his own bed again. What he saw in my dream frightens him more than he wants to admit – even to himself. I can see in his mind that he faced Sassori of the Red Sand once before, trying to rescue Gaara, and nearly lost his life.

A long time later, after my sobs have finally stopped, Temari also gets up. She shoots me one more apologetic look, her thoughts apologetic as well, and drags herself back to her room. I wait for Gaara to pull away, to leave, but he does not move. He started stroking my hair softly himself when Temari left.

_You should go get some rest, _I whisper into his mind.

"No." His response is strong and somewhat angry, angry at himself. "I have slept with you for many nights now. I should not have changed my habit, simply because you are under my roof. My understanding of you has changed – but you, yourself, have not. I will not leave you alone again."

I don't have the strength to argue with him, and I enjoy the way he is holding me. He is wearing soft cotton black pants and no shirt. He lays his body back flat against the sheets of the bed. He lifts me gently, and lays me back down flat also. I am lying on top of him now, on my belly – the only unburned part of my skin. He settles himself further into the pillows, and locks his arms behind me, settled on the small black shorts I am wearing.

I close my eyes as he does, and begin to drift back off to sleep. Everything is going to be okay. I am protected. For now, I am once again… safe.


	11. Prisoner

**Disclaimer:**

I do not own Naruto (the manga or anime) or any of the characters included within it. I only own the original characters in this story including the main character Utako Mizuke. I do not make any form of profit off of this story.

11. Prisoner

The next morning, I awake to find that neither Gaara, nor I have shifted an inch in our sleep. I am still lying atop him, as I was when we finally bedded down for the night. The light of the sun is streaming softly through the dark curtains. My nose is pressed just below his chin, cradled slightly against his neck. I nuzzle him softly, and he stirs restlessly before settling back down again. I begin to stretch my tired muscles, and freeze. I can feel his arousal pressing firmly into my soft belly.

_Gotta love male anatomy… _I think slyly to myself. _First thing in the morning, ready and rearing to go… consciousness be damned. _

A small smile begins to curve on my lips. This is something I have not yet been rewarded with, much to my disappointment. Each morning, when we slept together on the roof, I would awake alone. He would have already risen and headed to his office before I stirred. This morning… I get a lovely surprise instead.

I decide to take advantage of my position. My skin still burns, but not as badly as before. From here though, I don't even need to move much for what I want. I press my nose into his chest and inhale the scent of him deeply. He smells faintly of Earth and musk – I love it. I trail kisses across his skin softly, and dart out my tongue to flick across one of his nipples. To my delight, he stirs slightly again. His face looks so peaceful, despite the dark rings around his eyes. I have actually grown rather fond of them. I reach my arms up and around his neck, and pull myself upwards until I can reach his face. I kiss the kanji scar upon his forehead gently. I then kiss his lips softly, but heatedly – encouraging his lips to begin responding to my own.

Without waking, he rolls us over and slides down. His arousal is now tucked between my legs, and his face nuzzles deep between my breasts – his eyes remain closed.

_Ahhhh… good auto-pilot handsome._ I snicker and purr to myself.

I decide to burrow my fingers into his messy locks, and massage his scalp in a circular motion. He responds by gaining only slight awareness. His eyes peek open, and looking down he almost looks confused at seeing my breasts. He begins kissing the exposed portion of my cleavage tenderly – occasionally nipping the soft flesh with his teeth. I have to bite back a moan. His hands, still cupped behind my backside, begin a slow massage of their own. He is trailing his kisses upward now, licking and kissing the side of my neck as a low groan escapes from between his lips. He starts sliding his body along mine, rubbing his arousal firmly between my legs.

"Ahh… Gaara," I cry softly as my head falls back, relishing in the pleasure he is stirring within my body.

Gaara freezes.

_Whoops… _I think a bit belatedly. "Gaara, baby?" I ask with only a slight pant to my breath. "Is something wrong?" I look down into his eyes, clearly displaying my pleasure on my face.

He looks… shocked. He still seems to be frozen, only looking up at my eyes now. I decide to take a chance. I rub myself against him once more, and let a soft moan escape my lips. I smile at him. He rips himself away from me, and jerks to a standing position. I sit up on my elbows to look at him. The tent in his pants, which I was enjoying so much, is now on full display beneath the soft cotton. He glances down to where I am looking, and I see his cheeks color only slightly.

"I… Um…" His voice is low, rough with sleep, and sexy enough to make me want to cry.

"Gaara, what's wrong?" I ask, as if I don't already know. _Damnit!_ _This had been going so well._

He doesn't respond to me. He simply pulls the door open, darts out, and shuts it firmly behind. I hear his heavy footfall lead into the other room. _Great… now I've gone and ruined it. _I roll and flop back onto my stomach on the mattress again. It's then that I realize I can hear Temari and Kankuro downstairs, in what sounds like… the kitchen? I follow their minds to listen in on their morning conversation. Their minds are both exhausted.

**"Temari? Did you get any sleep after that insanity last night?" Kankuro is staring into a cup of hot liquid, and his face paint looks badly applied. **

**"No." Temari also looks weary, but put together in a way only a woman could manage. "I tried, but I just keep seeing images from that horrible nightmare… I can't believe she actually ****_met_**** Sasori… and lived to tell about it."**

**"Forget Sasori… did you catch that about Orochimaru? The scaly bastard actually raised her!" Kankuro shudders, and I feel my cheeks begin to blush. "God… Gaara must seem like the most normal guy on Earth compared to her psychotic upbringing."**

**"Do you… What do you think about her and Gaara? You know… the whole 'Lovers' thing?" Temari asks. "I'm still not sure I completely believe it."**

**"Well," Kankuro rubs the back of his head in thought, "If he's not sleeping with her yet, he will be soon enough. That girl is drop-dead gorgeous, and has already proven that she… kinda gets him I guess. That is if she actually sticks around. Seems like she is desperate to break out – and soon."**

**Temari sighs. "Well, if you had told me yesterday that I would ****_ever _****see Gaara cradle someone in his arms and whisper in their ear to soothe away fear… I would have said you were crazy. But… I would have been dead wrong." She cracks two eggs into the hot fry pan in front of her. "I don't know what I think about ****_her_**** at all… but I'm worried about Gaara."**

**"Oh please," Kankuro spits out, obviously aggravated. "Poor Gaara… boo hoo… has to sleep in the same bed with a brunette goddess as his only company." I smile at the continued jealousy in his thoughts, and then criticize my shallowness.**

**"Kankuro, stop being an ass!" Temari grumbles at him. "Gaara deserves to be happy – and yes even with a ****_goddess_****, as you so delicately put it. I'm just worried about what will happen when she leaves, or worse… what if she ****_IS_**** captured or killed? I've never seen him act like this around anyone before. He may never be willing to again!" **

**I feel guilt roll over me in a sudden wave.**

**"I know, I know… Sorry." Kankuro looks dejectedly at what I assume must be his coffee.**

**"Kankuro… what if… what if he gets her pregnant?"**

**Kankuro sprays – yup coffee – all over the counter in front of him, and begins choking. Temari hits him hard on the back several times.**

**"What the hell, Temari! At least wait until I'm not drinking!" Kankuro's thoughts are terrified, and disgusted. "Oh man… I'm gonna have to talk to him about it aren't I?... Why me?!"**

**"Because you're his big brother. It's your job. We may already be too late! You know what could happen! He'd never forgive himself." Temari starts to wring her hands nervously. **

**"Okay, okay. I'll talk to him, alright? I'll go buy him some… supplies or something." Kankuro slams his head down on the counter. Just then, Gaara breezes down the stairs and heads for the front door.**

**"Morning, big boy," Temari calls to him with a teasing tone. "Did you sleep well?" Gaara simply grunts in her direction and continues moving. **

**"Wait!" she shouts now. "What about breakfast?"**

**"I'm late," he says in a low curt tone, and then he is gone. **

**Temari glares pointedly at Kankuro. He jumps up and heads for the door shouting, "Hey Gaara… wait up! Can I ask you something?"**

I snap back into my own thoughts, alone in my room. I can feel tears stinging behind my eyelids. There's no reason they should know their conversation with him is pointless… and perhaps it won't be. I suppose he should know to be careful with any woman he takes after I am gone from here. Which… come to think of it… _What am I doing? _I shouldn't be encouraging his attention! I should be getting the hell out of here! Too many people know my secret. Too many lives are already in danger.

I jump up out of the bed, ignoring the screaming protest my skin makes, and head for the bathroom. The cold water stings, but soothes the burn at the same time. I realize that I am still covered in blood, and work to scrub off as much as I can without taking the scabs with it. I lather and rinse my long hair – twice for good measure, and then step out of the room and back to my bedroom in a towel. When I arrive in my room I realize… I have no idea where my clothes are.

_Oh well. I've looked worse, and they'll have to forgive me. _I sneak into what I identify as Temari's room, due to the large fans scattered around. I grab only what I have to have; one shirt, one skirt, a bra, and clean underwear. The bra is a bit too big, and the only panties I can find are black and lacey.

_Well… if she doesn't want me taking the good ones, she should have more variety. Sorry Temari… _

As I'm closing the dresser, I notice a bottle of white lotion sitting on top – sun screen! _Oh, thank God! _I apply it generously to my entire body, and then decide to just take the bottle with me. Who knows how long I could be beneath the desert sun. Once I am dressed, I head for the bedroom window to make my escape.

I leap out of the second story window, and land gently on the balls of my feet on the partial roof below. I hunch down and begin running, but don't even make it five steps before I hear it.

"Going somewhere?" Temari is standing with her back leaning against the stone side of the building directly behind me on the awning. Her face is cast down, her eyes closed, and there is a sarcastic smirk plastered to her face. Her arms are in front of her, crossed over the top of the massive fan she carries in battle. I swallow hard.


	12. Stand Off

**Disclaimer:**

I do not own Naruto (the manga or anime) or any of the characters included within it. I only own the original characters in this story including the main character Utako Mizuke. I do not make any form of profit off of this story.

12. Stand Off

"Thought you could run out on my little brother that easily, huh?" She continues with distain dripping from her lips. "Well, listen hot shot… I'm not gonna let you mess my brother up like that. He deserves better than to have some bimbo run out on him without a word. And hey… those are my clothes!"

"Let me go Temari," I reply calmly. "You already know I'm bad for him. Just step aside and I'll be gone. You'll be here to help patch him up. Kankuro can help find him another girl even. Surely he can sate his lust on someone else just as easily. You already know this is what you really want. Just let me go." I can read her thoughts easily, and she is angry that I know how she truly feels.

"I'm sorry, but I can't do that." She looks at me, and attacks me mentally when I am not ready. She throws an image of Gaara at me.

**He is young, hunched over and pulling at his hair. He has blood, all over his small body. She is terrified. ****_Who died? Who has he killed now? "Gaara?" she says, approaching cautiously. _**

**_"Mother made me do it." Gaara's voice is vacillating between a sadistic sound, and a sound of sheer agony. "The blood… the blood is all I want. Why Temari? Why do they run from me?" She hesitates, unsure of how to calm him. "Why do they run from ME?!"_**

_Ow… God damnit! _I clutch my head in my hands, as I feel tears spring to my eyes. Her heart was broken for him in that moment, and my own broken response doubles its intensity. "You fight dirty," I say, sniffing and draining the tears into my ducts.

"You're damn right I do! I won't stop either, not until you hear me out." She glares defiantly at me, and I realize I am not likely to get past her – not in my weakened condition, and not without harming her. Perhaps I should have stayed another day… _No. I've got to get out of here now. _

"Say what you've come to say then. It's unnecessary, I'm sure you know, but it will make you feel better." I stand upright facing her, and cross my arms over my chest.

Confront me… change her mind… ask me a question… confront me…distract me. Her thoughts keep jumping, never landing in one place for long. It's terribly disorienting, and it's draining my small amount of energy.

_Damnit she's good! _She is doing this on purpose; battling me without any physical blow, trying to keep me off balance, and using my curse to her advantage – and my disadvantage. She can read the fatigue building on my face.

"How about you stop trying to read my mind, and we talk like normal people?" she proposes with a cocky smile. I give up, and relax, flopping down on the roof. _Round 1: Temari 1, Mizuki nadda. _

"Fair enough. No mind-reading… as much as is _possible_ mind you. What do you want Temari?"

"I want to know the truth… why Gaara?"

I let out a weary sigh, and run my hand over my face. "I honestly wish I could tell you, but I don't really understand it. I'd targeted Kankuro before I ever saw him, believe it or not. By all accounts Gaara's both the best and worst guardian I could have chosen. He is strong, powerful, wealthy, and more than capable of taking care of himself and even me if needed. At the same time, it's _WAY_ too public, too complicated, too confusing. I should use my curse to read his every thought, manipulate his moods… but I don't. Why? Beats me. Oh wait… yeah. Because after all these years of running, I've boiled down to being an idiot. I must be sadistic." I laugh humorlessly at my own joke.

From the look on her face – and only the look, I will not lie to her unless I have to – my response brings her up short. "Do you even like him?" she asks, genuinely curious.

"Oh please…" I roll my eyes at her stupidity. "What's not to like? He's _ridiculously_ sexy. He's grumpy, but sweet. He tries so hard, and is so constantly confused…" I start to laugh at the memory of his confused face staring at my breasts this morning. "But he just… he never gives up. He keeps trying. He controls, and he fumes, and he demands… but he's just… I don't know. He's scared; like a little kid facing the whole world on his own. He's so desperate to be a good man; one worthy of people's respect. What woman in their right mind could resist that? So yes… I _like_ him. Big deal. He's _much, much_ better off with me gone." I look into her eyes, hoping my point sinks in.

"What if you're pregnant? Would you honestly tell him about the baby?" This is so much of a concern to her I feel palpable fear in the air. I don't bother to discern why her fear is so strong, it is irrelevant.

"Ah, yes that. Well… that's easy. I'm not."

"It's not that simple, sweetheart," she says acidly. "There's no guarantee you'd know already. It only takes once."

"Well then you have your answer. Gaara and I have never actually had sex." Her eyes widen in surprise. This is the answer she'd been praying for. Just as quickly, they start to narrow again. She doesn't believe me. I sigh again. "I know he told you we were lovers – I was sitting there after all. He only said that because it was simpler than trying to explain our real relationship. Don't get me wrong. I've tried to get him to give in… God knows it would be amazing. But he's too shy, too unsure of himself and his reactions. Besides, even if we did have sex, I can't have children." I point at my belly, trying to make a joke of it. "This is a baby free zone."

Her face is like the poster for the definition of uncertainty. "How do you know that?"

"It would be easier to just show you, and less painful than having to explain in words actually." I try to make my voice sound light, as if it's not soul crushing – but fail miserably.

After a moment, she nods in agreement. I dredge up the awful memory, and allow myself to relive it one more time – projecting it into her mind.

**Kabuto stands in front of me, holding a small pile of papers. I am in my nightgown, rubbing my eyes sleepily with my teddy bear clutched in my arms. Truthfully, at 12, I'm a bit too old for a bear. **

**"Mizuki, do you know why we asked to speak with you tonight?" I don't like this man, but Orochimaru is standing close by. He smiles to reassure me. **

**"No. What do you want?" I glare up at him.**

**"Well, as you know we run periodic blood work on you, to make sure you're growing properly – despite your kekkei genkai. With this latest batch of blood, we noticed something wrong. We've looked into it further, and we'll… I'm sorry I'm not better at delivering bad news, but… you won't be able to have the family you've been talking to Orochimaru about." He stares at me coldly, the light reflecting off his thick ugly glasses. **

**My blood runs cold. ****_What? Why does Kabuto even know about that? _****I had been telling Orochimaru that I wanted to grow up, and marry a strong man to take care of me. I want babies that look just like me and can see people's thoughts the way I can. I want to hold them, and sing them to sleep. I clutch my bear tighter. My chest feels heavy, and it's hard to breathe. **

**"What are you talking about?" I yell at him. "What does that have to do with my blood?"**

**Orochimaru steps from the shadows with a sad glint in his eyes. His voice croons to me. "Now… there, there dear Mizuki. I'm sorry dear, I know how much this must disappoint you, but the results of the blood work are undeniable. Your body will not support children. The kekkei genkai within you is too strong. It simply won't allow them to grow. By the time you are old enough to bring a child into the world safely, your organs will be useless for that purpose."**

**_No… no, no, no. _****The tears are flowing freely down my face now. ****_But why? Why can't I have my own babies? Is it because I hurt all those people? Is this my punishment? _****"Orochimaru-sensei, please…" I beg through a sob, "please… can't you fix me? You know so much about medicine. Can't you help fix me? Please?"**

**"I'm sorry dear one. We will keep looking. Perhaps we will find something in the future to help. For now, you must keep up your training to become stronger." He kisses his cold, wet lips to my forehead as I sob. **

I pull out of the memory, and I can feel the fresh tears on my face. Temari's face is also streaked with them. I clear my throat. "Sorry. The emotional transference is unavoidable… He never found an answer for me. My ovaries simply faded into nothing. Eventually, I learned he was not the kind man I thought him to be, and I fled for my life. That means I'll never get an answer, but I have come to accept that."

"I'm so sorry," she whispered. "I didn't realize…"

"You couldn't have." I stare out into the desert landscape in front of the house. The tiles are hot beneath my legs, adding to the burn in my skin. "But you see… even if Gaara had chosen to have sex with me, he would be free from worry. I simply cannot bear him – or anyone else – a child."

I can feel the relief radiating from her, and a slight bit of guilt. She sits with me for a long time on the roof, just staring out into the emptiness. "Temari?" I finally venture.

"Yes?" she asks.

"Thank you for sitting here with me. I don't bring that memory to mind often. It is… difficult." I watch her smile tenderly back at me. "You know… if I wasn't about to ruin all your lives, and risk getting you killed… I might really like it here. You all are a crazy bunch, but the last two days have been more of a home than I think I've ever known."

"You could stay," she suddenly gushes. "Really! We can help. We can keep you safe! Gaara can – "

I hold up a hand to cut her off. "No Temari. I can't. As much as I like you guys… I don't belong here. Thank you though… for wanting me to."

I watch a single tear roll down her cheek, and I reach down grabbing her hand. Knowing I have no time to spare, I quickly touch her mind – sending her into blackness. She slumps against the roof – out cold. She will stay this way for a while, and given the state of my own back, I'm worried she will burn. I can't leave her here. I work doggedly to get her back in the window, back to her own room, and tucked into bed. Then I leap out of the window and out into the hot Suna sun.

I stop by my small storehouse of items, the few things I still own to my name. I have a small knife, which I can strap to my thigh or a belt if I actually owned one. I have a small pan; tiny enough to fit in my pocket – enough to make a meal for just one. I also have a pair of well worn-in running shoes, which I strap quickly to my feet. I make one last stop at the balcony of the woman who has been providing for me for so many days. She must have been worried at my absence, but there is still a small meal waiting for me. I will not be back here again, so I decide to leave her a brief note.

_So sorry… plans have changed, and I must be on my way again. Thank you for your kindness. I can never repay you. Don't worry. _

After leaving my small goodbye, I run out into the desert as fast as my legs will carry me. Hopefully, it will be fast enough.


	13. Caught

**Disclaimer:**

I do not own Naruto (the manga or anime) or any of the characters included within it. I only own the original characters in this story including the main character Utako Mizuke. I do not make any form of profit off of this story.

13. Caught

I ran until my body burned from exertion, and then began looking around for a safe place to settle down for the night. The sun is setting in the sky, and I know from my many nights here, that the temperature will drop drastically soon. I manage to find a small cave, located against an outcropping of rock. The cave is just big enough to squeeze my body into. It should provide me some cover and shelter should the weather suddenly turn dangerous. Flash flooding is rare in the desert, but it does happen.

I build a small fire, only large enough to cook the small salamander I had found sunning himself. I quickly put it out as soon as the small meal is ready.

_Ick… I hate eating reptiles or amphibians. _They tend to be so chewy and full of little black veins. I manage to choke it down. The entire time I eat I can't shake the feeling that I'm being watched. I close my eyes and scan the surrounding area. I go out a full mile in all directions, but don't find anyone. _I'm just being paranoid_… but I still can't shake the feeling.

Eventually, I crawl back to my little cave. I can feel the sheer exhaustion like a wet blanket draped over me. Temari was right… I haven't healed enough to be traveling like this, but I knew I would have been too tempted to stay. They have been so kind to me and I had not deserved it. I needed to get away from them quickly. I need to keep them safe. Gaara is likely to be able to defend himself if the need arises, but Temari and Kankuro? They were strong shinobi, but no match for the kinds of men that were sent looking for me. I wrap my arms around my legs as the night air gets colder, and I can feel a small tear slide down my left cheek. The sand at my ankles stirs restlessly in the cold night breeze.

I tilt my head back and look up at the stars. They are so beautiful, twinkling together like tiny candles against a black velvet sky. I begin to hum Gaara's melody softly to myself, and let myself drift back into the only pleasant memories I've gained in a long time. I'm glad I don't have to work so hard to shield my thoughts now. I can simply enjoy them out here alone in the sand. I remember Gaara's cautious fingers sliding across my face. I remember his rough voice asking me questions, and his thoughtful looks after my answers. I remember Temari glaring at Kankuro and slapping him over the back of the head, and chuckle to myself.

_Temari… Kankuro… I will miss you more than you could know. _I project my thoughts out into the night air. They are too far away to hear me, but it comforts me to think the words. _You were so kind to me… Please take care of your brother. I hope I have not hurt him too badly. _

I remember standing before Gaara with nothing more than moonlight and his gaze caressing my soft skin. I remember feeling so afraid that he wouldn't find me beautiful, and then feeling the rough cool sand sliding along my body and he learned its shape from a distance. I remember when he kissed me, so cautiously at first – and then so passionate that I still curl my toes in my shoes. I regret that I ruined such a pleasant moment with my own dark memories.

_If I could do it all over again… _I think aloud again. _I would fix that night. I would have made love to you Gaara… out there under the stars. You wouldn't have to know what a fraud I am. You wouldn't be alone – not yet anyway. I would have shown you pleasure like you didn't know existed. _I can feel my smile curving up into a sly smile at the thought, which quickly dies from the overwhelming ache in my chest.

_God what is wrong with me! _I know better than to dwell on the past. Too much pain, too many dead faces, too many frightened eyes. I shake my head to clear it, and decide to turn in for the night. I need to get an early start if I am to make enough progress tomorrow. I slowly pull myself into my cave, and settle my sore skin down against the rough sandy ground. Everything is so cold… I can feel the shivering start deep in my bones, but there's nothing I can do about it. I close my eyes, and eventually let the black overtake me.

The next morning I awake slowly, feeling the warmth that has finally settled back into my skin and bones. The back of my mind wonders idly why the bright light from the Suna sun hasn't woken me up earlier. _I must have been more exhausted than I realized_.

I begin to stretch my sore muscles slowly. My face is pressed against something warm and… soft? I nuzzle my face into it instinctively, and I breathe in the glorious smell of Earth and musk. _Oh no_… I pull back swiftly, and find myself staring into bright jade eyes with dark rings around them. _What the hell?! _The bright red kanji scar on Gaara's forehead stands out starkly against his skin in this light. _What do I do…?_

"Breathe," he says simply, in his rough morning voice.

_What? Oh… _I hadn't realized I was holding my breath, and I let it out in a nearly painful rush. I try to orient myself quickly. We are still in my little cave from the night before. His body is lying pressed tightly against mine. He is using it to shelter me from the outside air and sun. I am facing him, and I have wrapped possessively around him in my sleep.

"What…What are you doing here?" I ask in panic. "How did you find me?"

He raises one hairless eyebrow nearly to his hairline, and his face twitches as if he wants to smirk. "Do you really think you can hide from me in my own desert? This sand is a part of me. I can feel your every move here." His eyes narrow at me in aggravation. "I should be asking _you _what _you're _doing out here. Are you really so frightened of me that you'd put yourself in danger? The desert is no place for a young woman at night."

"Gaara…" I try, my voice pleading with him. "You _know_ I cannot stay. I have to leave here. I will not put your family – your village – in any more danger. As Kazekage, you must think of what's best for them."

"And what is it you plan to do?" His voice is angry now, and I can feel the sand beneath us stir with it. "Run off and get yourself killed? How does leaving my village – my home – solve anything? This danger you speak of follows you wherever you go. Will the people of the next village truthfully be any safer, not knowing what lurks in the shadows? Or will you simply feel less guilty, because you won't know the faces at risk?"

PAIN. Heartache so deep it crushes my chest slams into me at full force, knocking the very air from my lungs. I try to get away from him, squirming in the dust, but there's nowhere to go. My back is already pressed against the rough stone. I whimper in the overwhelming grip of my own guilt. _Oh God… _I feel like sobbing. I won't even bother shielding my mind from his own. Let him know the agony this is! Let him know what it's like to be a sickness wandering the surface of the Earth!

_You're right Gaara! _I mentally scream at him. _I can't change what has happened! I can't change what I am! _I begin to sob softly at having to admit my own shame. I don't want this feeling anymore… God, I can't stand having to live and breathe this pain. I am so weary.

Perhaps… perhaps ending everyone's suffering is truly the right thing to do now. I have let everything get so entangled, so confused – so painful. No matter where I go… I will be a burden. I will put others at risk. Gaara understands what a danger I am.

_Will you help me Gaara?_

"I… will care for you." He states simply.

I choke back another sob. _Then help me… save me from this nightmare. Save your people… save all the villages. Kill me Gaara. Please…_

"What?" He suddenly scrambles back from me, edging out of the small cave entrance, putting distance between us.

_Please… _I beg. _You could make it quick, couldn't you? I've tried before, but I'm just such a coward. I'm afraid it will hurt. Please… save everyone from more grief… from me. _

I reach into his thoughts, but there are no words; only fear, and anger, and… pain?

**He remembers the pleasure of holding me in his arms at night; the smell of my hair, the shape of my body, the sound of my voice. He remembers me smiling up at him. He remembers feeling his body burn as he kissed me, my soft weight curled beneath him. He remembers finding me, face down in the sand – his terror that he was too late, and I had died beneath the sun. He remembers soul crushing guilt and pain, seeing the bruises marring my body from his anger. He remembers me flinching away from his sand in the living room in fear.**

"You would rather… die," his voice is choked, "than to stay with me? Death is better than… letting me keep you safe?"

I am shocked out of my own pain at the sight of the grief in his dark-rimmed eyes. He is gripping his shirt front desperately, trying to claw out the pain in his chest.

"What?" The direction of his thoughts is so different from my own. "No, Gaara. That's not it at all." I struggle to find a way to explain. I can't let him believe that I don't want to be with him because I fear him. I grab his face softly between my hands. "Don't you understand? You _can't _protect me. No one can. Everyone who tries dies for their effort. You are a powerful shinobi, a great Kazekage, but you are still only one man. The more people that learn about me, the closer the danger will be. I cannot let you take that risk. I do not want you to be hurt. I would not only be responsible for your death… I would be responsible for the people of Suna losing their leader – _their _guardian. I would be robbing Temari and Kankuro of the brother they love so much. It would all be my fault. I can't… I can't let anything happen to you. It is better for me to die… than you – or than any more innocent people."

I can feel the warmth radiating through my chest as I stare into his eyes. His eyes are beautiful… so soft and warm as they gaze back at me filled with pain. _How could he not know how special, how precious he is? How could he not understand that I…_

I slam the walls down around my mind, shielding him from my thoughts completely – trying to forge a barrier of iron between us. I squeeze my eyes tightly shut to get it in place quickly. I open them cautiously, and see the confusion written on his face. He felt me pull back from him mentally; pull away and cut him off. He doesn't understand why.

_Oh no… _I think to myself – myself only. _I've fallen in love with him. Somewhere along the way… sometime up on that roof, or in his bed, or… somehow I've fallen in love with him. _I want to cry again, but I can't let him see that. It will bring his fear back. _Is that why I am running so hard? Am I afraid… for him or for me? Could I survive it if he died trying to protect me? No. I couldn't ever forgive myself. But… can I leave him now? Can I let him believe that he has so little value? That I do not want him? Would it hurt him more to leave now… or later? If I die… if he loses me… could he learn to love again, once he knew it was possible? Temari wasn't sure he could…_

My hands are shaking now, and I start to pull back.

"I haven't released you from our agreement," his tone is low and threatening, and his expression is stern. My surprise pulls me from my own thoughts. "You gave yourself to me – to learn pleasure. I have not learned everything I wish to know." My eyes widen at what he is implying, and the corner of his mouth kicks up into a genuine smirk of self-satisfaction. "You will return to Suna with me. You _will_ stay with me, until I have learned all that I wish to know. Temari and Kankuro now know you exist, and know you are my lover. They also know to keep your secret safe. You are _NOT_ in any more danger than you were before, and neither am I. You will stay in my home with me… and after I have learned what I wish to know from you – you may decide whether you still wish to leave." The stubborn set of his jaw lets me know, I am not going to win this battle easily.

_Do I want to?_

I must admit there is a terribly selfish part of me that wants to agree to his demands. I would love to experience physical passion like that before I die. More importantly… I want it to be someone I love. If I have been stupid enough to let myself fall for this man… than this may be the only chance I have. _But what about what he needs? Is it wrong of me to take what he offers, knowing it could make it only that much more painful for him when I do finally leave? _I find myself once again not knowing which would be worse for him… to have and to lose… or to lose without ever having the chance to have in the first place.

I try to think objectively. _If he were to die tomorrow…_ The physical pain of that thought would bring me to my knees if I were standing. _There is my answer_. _I would regret._ I cannot tell him of my love, but I _could_ show him. I could love him freely with my body. I would regret holding that back from him if he were to die. So… I will return with him. I will continue our arrangement. I smile up at him, allowing peace – even if it is a stupid one – to settle into my bones at the thought of returning home with him.

Somehow, he knows he has won. Probably the silly grin plastered on my face. He stands up, and pulls me to my feet. I expect him to turn and start walking, but instead he gently lifts me against him into his arms. He looks into my eyes, and the heat I find there makes my stomach flutter in excitement. His lips come down hard on my own, and he presses himself even tighter against me. I can feel his passion, his excitement, burning through me like wild fire. His tongue licks across my bottom lip, seeking entrance. I open for him, and he plunges it deeply within the warmth of my mouth – playing with mine. My hands fly up to tangle in the unruly hair at the back of his head, and a low moan escapes my throat. He pulls back to look into my pleasure flushed face, and the faintest chuckle seems to rumble in the depths of his chest.

The next thing I know, we are flying through the desert back towards Suna. Sand swirls around us like a storm, and I cling to him. Before long, I can see the gates of Suna rising to greet us in the distance. _Gaara… no one can see me with you, _I think urgently. The sand swirling around us thickens to an impenetrable haze. Suddenly, we burst through a door and he sets me down on my feet, closing it tightly behind us. The sand settles to the ground, and I see Temari and Kankuro both look up with surprise from their seats in the kitchen. Kankuro is pleased, and nods in approval at Gaara.

Temari beams an excited smile towards us, and shouts, "About time, big boy! Thank God you found her! I was starting to panic."


	14. Home

**Disclaimer:**

I do not own Naruto (the manga or anime) or any of the characters included within it. I only own the original characters in this story including the main character Utako Mizuke. I do not make any form of profit off of this story.

14. Home

After returning to Gaara's home, I expect to be yelled at – a lot. I expect Temari to be bitter, and for Kankuro to be grumpy and even more frustrated than before. I am surprised to be greeted by neither response. They both run up to me and gave me a brief hug. Temari winks at me, speculating about how Gaara would have convinced me to return. I can feel relief in her thoughts. She was worried he wouldn't succeed. Kankuro, hugging me a little too fondly, smirks after pulling back. His lecherous thoughts are all about how Gaara should _punish_ me for trying to escape – what he would do were it left up to him.

_Really? _I think to myself, raising my eyebrows at him in disbelief. He blushes furiously and mumbles something like "damned mind reader" under his breath as he walks away.

Gaara quickly explains that he needs to return to his tower and his work until the end of the day. He had already been gone too much during the past week. I can feel fear in his mind about leaving me again.

_Don't worry… _I think to his mind only. _I won't go anywhere this time. I swear. Besides… _I let the tenor of my thoughts turn dark and sensual. _I haven't gotten to enjoy any of that pleasure you keep promising me yet. Hurry home, handsome. _

Gaara's face kicks up into a glorious smirk again, and in a flash he is gone. When I turn around, Temari is glaring at me through narrowed eyes, her back straight and her arms crossed over her chest.

"YOU," she shouts at me, "have been a royal pain in the ass!"

_Ah… this is the shouting part. Guess I couldn't get off that easily…_

"Do you have any _idea_ how worried _sick _I've been?! How upset Gaara was?" Her thoughts and memories are loud and clear. I don't want to see their pain. She had even sent word for Shikamaru to come – to be with her, or help if he could. I start to turn away from her. "Oh no you don't!" She cuts me off mid-stride. "Now… obviously you decided to come back with him, but I'm his big sister, and you're going to hear me out."

"Temari, you can't say anything to Shikamaru. I won't be able to stay if you do." I hate to put this on her, but he will be impossible to monitor from a completely different village.

"Don't worry about him," she states casually, relaxing her stance. "He's a pain in the ass too, but he knows I can't always tell him everything. He's used to it. He knows… all about secret relationships." She blushes despite herself, but refuses to be ashamed of it. "Speaking of which… you can't tell my brothers about him."

"Fair enough," I agree, and sit down cross-legged on the floor.

"Now… how long do you plan to stay here exactly?" I decide to be honest with her. I haven't had a female companion to talk to in forever, and right now I'm dying for one.

"I don't really know. Honestly Temari, I don't want to leave at all, but I don't know how long I will be able to stay. Something will eventually go wrong – it always does. When that time comes, I need to be able to go quickly, and I may even need your help. Your brother will not let me go voluntarily. That's more than obvious… and it's only likely to get worse."

"So have you two officially…" she trailed off suggestively, not meeting my eyes.

"Out in the desert?... ick."

"But I take it I don't have to put effort into getting the spare bedroom ready again?" _God, all the members of this family smirk alike. _ I blush, and fidget with my fingers in my lap.

"No. That would be pretty pointless. He won't sleep separate from me anyway."

I nearly jump out of my skin as she suddenly throws her head back and laughs out loud. "You should see yourself, Mizuki. You actually look scared!" She begins to clutch her stomach as her laughter continues.

"What is _that_ supposed to mean? I am scared! I don't know how to handle him, and I don't have the slightest idea what I'm doing." Her laughter ends abruptly, and she stares at me in surprise.

"Are you saying that you've never…"

"Yes, Temari. Despite the long and dangerous history I have with men in my life, I've never taken a lover before. Not a real one. Don't get me wrong, many have tried. The ones that did though were disgusting, or cruel, or vicious. I hated them kissing me, touching me… much less having sex with me. I managed to fight them off when I had to, but it came close a couple of times." I paused to take a deep breath. "Gaara is so different. He is even more unsure than I am. I keep expecting him to just take what he wants… but I'm not even sure of what that _IS _anymore. For the first time, _I _want to just lose myself. But yes… it scares me. I know it will hurt – I understand how it works. I just don't know how to reassure him. If he backs off because he's afraid that he hurt me, I think I might literally _die_ of embarrassment. Ugh! This is all so stupid." I flop down on my back on the floor, and cover my face with my arms. For the first time in a long time, I feel like a child.

I peek out from under my arm to look at her. She is staring at her hands and looks faintly sad. "I'm sorry I assumed any differently of you."

"Don't be." I smile to myself. "I am a very good actress. I've had to be. I would have been worried if you'd seen through my act so easily."

"Are you going to tell him?" Temari asks with worry in her voice. I squirm at the question.

"God, I don't know. Probably not. I think that would just make it that much more awkward. If he asks, I won't lie to him though." I sit up suddenly, and glare at her. "But don't you go giving him any ideas!"

"I think he needs to know," she says in a serious tone, "but you make the bed you lie in. I won't say anything to him that I wouldn't if you hadn't told me."

"Thanks. Well… now what?" I stare around the room, taking in for the first time that I will have a temporary home here. I remember longing for a home when I first reached Suna; being jealous of the people here.

"Now we get you ready," Temari declares with a devilish grin. "I won't have my little brother coming home to a girl that looks like she slept with a cactus all night."

"Hey…" I start to protest. She grabs my arm and drags me upstairs to the bathroom. "Sit," she demands, and I obey. I see myself in the mirror for the first time. Temari is behind me, determinedly working a brush through the tangled mop on my head.

"Oh God," I mumble, looking at the dark circles forming under my own eyes. "I look awful." There is dust and sand all over my skin, which is also shedding like a snake all over everything now that it's healing.

"Well…" she trails off, trying to be positive, "He's honestly seen you look worse."

"Oh gee… thanks."


End file.
